Cocoon of love and acceptance

I haven't written since the election.  So much has happened since then.  I have so many topics brewing in my head.  But today, I write about Thanksgiving week.

Thanksgiving week was a banner week for our family.  The four of us traveled to Atlanta to attend my cousin's wedding.  We went back and forth about going, quite honestly, because of a variety of reasons.  But ultimately we made the decision for the kids.  Damian and Nadia really wanted to go and one of the reasons they wanted to go was to see family.

That right there makes me happy on so many levels.  The fact that they are old enough to have family as a reason to go somewhere new is wonderful.  They wanted to see family they knew but hadn't seen in a while and also to meet family they had never met or don't remember meeting.  You see, I had a lot of family from India traveling to the wedding too. And since we don't get to go to India very often, this was an opportunity that was too good to pass up.

Another reason this makes me happy is because of Damian.  I have had nothing but support and love from my family about his transition.  Emails and messages and phone calls saying that, despite not quite understanding what being transgender means, we have their unconditional love and support.  That Damian is a treasured member of our extended family.  This knowledge made him want to go to this family gathering.

My God it brings tears to my eyes even now - this amazing cocoon of love and acceptance.  We are so very lucky and blessed.

My beautiful family

So, we went to the wedding.  We spent a week surrounded by family and friends who treated Damian as if nothing was different about him, as though nothing had changed since the last time they had seen him, as though he had always been Damian. And he had amazing conversations with people about politics, about his interests, about his transition.  He bonded with his cousins, he bonded with uncles and aunties, and I basked in the sight of him smiling and being happy.  I delighted in him wearing a kurta to the wedding and a suit to the reception.  I thoroughly enjoyed dancing with him at the reception.  He was a young man and happy and at ease.

Dancing with my son

I don't know that he would ever been as at ease in his previous identity.  There is something different about him now - I mean, other than the obvious.  It's his mannerisms - his ability to be his true self.  His ability to BE.  He seems to laugh easier now.  His confidence has definitely gone up.

Back to the wedding week.  The true measure of its success is the fact that when we came home, we spent a full day feeling lonely.  Even though the four of us were together, we missed everyone and the loud cacophony that is my extended family.  It was reminiscent of when I was a kid and we came back from summers in India and we were just so depressed because it was just too quiet in our house.  Luckily, we only had a day before the schedule of school and work started up for us after Thanksgiving, but that Sunday was spent unpacking and talking about the week and being sad that it was over.

There is a lot of love in this picture

But I felt true gratitude too.  I am grateful for the open mindedness they practice.  For the acceptance they share.  For their ability to say "I don't understand but I still love and support you."  For their willingness to ask questions and open their hearts to the answers.

This world needs so much more of that.

*Pictures by Venkat Kuttua Photography

It's not about losing an election

Some people seem to think that I, and, maybe, Democrats in general, are just sore losers.

Maybe some of us are. I'm definitely in the mood to throw a tantrum (and have a little bit on Facebook). I know I feel as though we were robbed. Secretary Hillary Clinton won the popular vote. More people wanted her to be President than Donald Trump. Once again, Democrats, nay, the American People, were ignored during an election. Never mind how we've been ignored in the last few years by the Republican Congress...

But I digress.

We are not just sore losers. We are dealing with grief. And there are several stages to that.

Right now, I'm in the anger stage.

I am angry that someone who has publicly stated that women should be punished for abortions has been elected President.

I am angry that someone who supports conversion therapy to turn gay people straight has been elected Vice President.

I am angry that someone who has bragged about sexually assaulting women has been elected President.

I am angry that someone who has time and time again called for violence against those who disagree with him has been elected President.

I am angry that someone who has cheated hard working people out of fair pay has been elected President.

I am angry that someone who wants to ban Muslims (who happen to look like me sometimes) has been elected President.

I am angry that someone who wants to ban gay marriage has been elected President.

I am angry that someone who has called for discrimination against LGBTQ people has been elected Vice President.

I am angry that the freedom to love and marry who you want regardless of sex will be taken away from my children by our new leaders.

I am angry that acts of violence against People of Color, against other religions, against the LGBTQ community has no been legitimized by the President-elect.

I am angry because I live in a country that now thinks it is ok to elect a racist, misogynistic, bigoted bully to the highest offices in the land and have those be the representatives of America to the rest of the world.

And then the same people who stood in the way of President Obama's political and social agenda, who called him and his family racist slurs, who wished him death, these are the same people who now say we should give Trump and Pence a chance and bring the country together?

The double standard is strong with the Grand Old Party.

Yes, I am angry right now. This is the stage I am in today. And I will get through it. I just can't feel this way forever, right?? Tomorrow, I start looking for ways to channel that anger into positive work.

#NotMyPresident.

It's been a few months now...

I think that today is the perfect day to update everyone on our journey.  Today is National Coming Out Day!  And it's been just a few months since we, as a family, came out to the world that Damian is a transgender male.

http://youknownothingmommy.blogspot.com/2016/07/living-authentically.html

Since then, I have been showered with support from friends and family.  This means the world to me.  Of course, our immediate family has been so wonderful.  My parents, Chris' parents, our siblings have all been supportive and switched gender pronouns and to the new name.  Over the summer when I was in New York City, my cousin (who is more like a brother) and his wife and I had some amazing long talks about everything, including the transition.  And recently, I got Facebook messages from my aunt and a phone call from an uncle who said, in no uncertain terms, that we have all their love and support and that they were proud of how we were handling the transition.  Such support is amazing to hear because it helps me continue on.  But what is even more amazing to me is that such support is in spite of the fact that some of my friends and family don't understand what "transgender" means.

And that's ok with me.

I would rather get questions about it.  I would rather someone say that they don't understand what this means and to ask me for an explanation.  I would rather someone say "I don't know what this means" than to sit quietly and slip away from our world because they were afraid or uncomfortable to ask me.  Damian is probably not ready to be the source of all the information, but in the last couple of months, he has grown so much and further understands what it means to be transgender.  I definitely don't have all the answers, but for now, I'm willing to take the brunt of the uncomfortable questions to give Damian the space to grow in self-confidence.

My uncle said to me that he didn't know yet what questions to ask.  This made me laugh and tear up at the very same time because that was the EXACT same response I had when Damian came out to Chris and me.

It's been quite the year for us.  It seems like to me that this transition has consumed our daily lives.  And it should for now.  But there isn't a day that goes by when I have to remember that I now have a son and a daughter instead of two daughters.  I can no longer shout "GIRLS!" when I need them both to come out of their rooms.  Instead, I have started to yell "KIDS!"  Just recently, a former teacher of Damian's asked me how my girls are doing.  I took a few moments to tell them what happened...and that now I have a son.  This former teacher said "Congratulations on your new son!".  I think that is exactly the right response I needed to hear.  It felt so positive.

One thing that has come out of our experiences are some new partnerships.  We have found a great support system, one that has a component for parents AND for the transgender kids.  Chris and I started going to this group back in February and I remember vividly that first meeting - I cried the ENTIRE time.  And last month? I was the one helping a new parent who was also crying almost the entire time.

I've come a long way, baby!

This partnership has been a blessing.  Damain looks forward to those meetings too - he is coming out of his shell.  He has always been my shy kid.  Well, now he is training to lead a GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) club at school, wants to learn how to advocate for transgender youth, and maybe even go into gender studies as a major.  We are looking forward to a conference at the end of the month at USC all about LGBTQ issues.  Damian is learning to advocate for himself at school through the new GSA club. He is navigating the name change through school.

And for now I'm dealing with the constant mindfulness that I have of my new son and the many changes this has brought to our lives.

It takes a village...sniff, sniff

So, everyone has been sick in the house for the past 2-3 weeks except me.  I wasn't so worried because usually I don't catch whatever is going around.  I don't have the time to be sick (really, who does?) but it seems to be by sheer will that I fight the sicknesses off.

Until today.

Woke up this morning with a sore throat.  Ok, I've done that before without anything developing.  So, I gargled a bit, had a protein smoothie with fruit, had a banana during my break at school (which I normally don't do but there were leftover bananas from Breakfast in the Classroom).  Sipped on water all day long.  But I steadily got worse.  When I left work, my cold was full-blown.  Runny nose, stuffy head, headache, body aches (maybe even a slight fever?).

I came straight home and collapsed on the bed and posted a woe-is-me status on Facebook.  And within 30 minutes, 13 people had given me some kind of sympathy.  A couple had offered to bring me stuff if I needed something and my neighbor said she was going to drop off some cold medicine when she gets home from her work (this is in response to my post in which I said that we ran out of cold medicine because of Chris, Damian, and Nadia already having been sick before me).

As I was laying in bed typing this, I was thinking about how Damian is at a tennis match and won't know when he's done and Nadia has to get to her ballet class by 6pm (yay for my inlaws who are taking her to ballet!) and Chris is teaching over the hill so will be home late and I just want to sleep.  We know how much havoc a sick mom can cause on a household. And my village of moms out there totally get me.  

All this cheered me up.  After laying on the bed for a bit longer, I decided that what I needed was tea and honey.  I think I ended up putting a bit too much honey in my tea, but it was still good.  What was NOT good was sneezing 3 times in a row with the cup of hot tea in my hand, but at least I didn't burn myself!

I needed to use my Wonder Woman mug for my tea and honey.  I needed the strength. And the tall mug so I don't spill on myself every time I sneeze.

Ok, now I'm rambling a bit.  Anyway, the point of this quick blog post is that my village came through for me.  Not because of what people offered to do or did for me, but because when I posted that woe-is-me status, I got the sympathy that I needed to make me feel just a little bit better.  

Thank you.

Faith in Activism (or in other words, Politics on the Internet)

It's political season and the Internet debates are getting ramped up.  I've been known to get into threads with people and start discussing/debating about things like abortion, affordable healthcare, common-sense gun regulations (or the lack thereof).  At some point in the conversation though, these days pretty early in the conversation, I get tired.  And that's when I'll throw out, "show me proof of your side".  If the other person doesn't do that, then I know it's pointless because they're not willing to back up why they believe in something with facts or they can't.  I especially get frustrated when they don't bother to read what I've brought to the discussion.  This is illustrated in a number of ways:

1. Any sources I share will be immediately slammed as being biased (and if I've come prepared with research, I try very hard to use unbiased sources).

2. The other person won't bother to read it simply just because of the URL it comes from.

3. The other person is unwilling to do any reading up on the issue that may disagree with their pre-conceived notions.  I feel that if you're truly openminded about something, you'll read up on all side of the subject.  It's good to know the opposition.  In the past, when presented with sources, I have taken the time to read them.  You take the time to find them for me, I will take the time to read them.  And yes, my thoughts on certain subjects have changed based on what I've read.

4. The other person doesn't disengage their emotions from the debate.  That's usually when the insults come out.

It's got me thinking, how do activists (on either side of any debate) continue on in the face of unwavering opinions and just plain stubbornness and unwillingness to listen and/or have reasonable debate?? Especially when you've gotten to the point that you're doing this as a job - working for a policy house or an organization that fights for a particular issue. Change is ever so slow and sometimes you're taking steps backwards in the hopes that a compromise will clear the way for more progress later.

My thought is that they have faith. Faith that what they are working for is the right thing to do.  Faith that their goal is possible.  Faith in the future that they envision for their children is not that far off.  Faith that their message is being heard and will make it to the people who can make the change, whether it is the change in one person's mind, change in societal norms, or change in policy.

Sometimes faith is all you have to keep you going in a tough fight.  But without it, what is to keep people fighting on for their beliefs?  Some of the most important changes in the world came about because someone had faith in the ability of the human race to change.

Tuning out the NOISE

Ever feel like you can’t get one thing done before you start something else?  Like a project or a task at home?  I recently had this experience:

I went to the kitchen to get myself a cup of coffee.  But my favorite mug still had the dregs from the cup of coffee I had earlier that morning, so I went to the sink to rinse it out.  But there were some dishes in there left from breakfast, so I decided to get them done since I was there anyway.  As I was doing those dishes, the dish soap dispenser ran out of dish soap, so I had to refill it.  As I was getting the jug of dish soap out to refill the dispenser, I saw that we were out of sponges and ziplock baggies (since I keep those in the same cabinet as the dish soap).  So I looked for a notepad to start a list for shopping.  When I found the notepad, I saw my to-do list from the previous day.  I added “start an Amazon order for kitchen supplies” to the to-do list.  Suddenly I remembered that I had gotten an email from Amazon the day before about my monthly subscription order that needed to be reviewed.  I decided to pull up that tab on my computer so that I wouldn’t forget to do it the next time I sat down at the computer.  When I pulled up the subscription order up, I saw that coffee beans were the first thing on the list.

And that’s when I realized that 20 minutes had passed since I had walked into the kitchen to get that elusive cup of coffee.  The noise in my brain led me off the path.

This happens to me all the time online.  I try to focus on my email, but there are links to follow, to read through, which usually contains even more links to click through.  Link after link, like a wild goose chase….and suddenly it’s 40 minutes later and I’ve only gotten rid of 1-2 emails!  

This happens to me when I’m writing too. I start to write a blog post and I realize that I need to look up something or do a bit of research.  Or I want to find out if anyone else has written about the topic that I’m writing about.  Google searching is the worst - so many links to follow!!

Don’t even get me started on the time I sink into Facebook or Instagram or Twitter!

I mentioned this to my husband, Chris, the other day.  How I want to write more, want to start freelancing, and just need to do it.  Chris suggested that we start turning off the internet for an hour each evening to work on our projects without the lure of the Internet.  He has projects he wants to tackle too.  Our kids may have issues with it, or maybe they’ll take that time to work on their own projects.  I think we’ll try this after I get back from my trip.

Speaking of my trip, he also suggested that I take the time on my 5 hour flight to NYC to just write since I wasn’t springing for the Wifi on the plane.  And guess what?  It worked.  This was one of the posts I wrote on the plane without the Internet noise to distract me.  And I’ve gotten about 3 other posts started and almost finished.  Why almost?  Because my mind started to spit out all these topics I wanted to write about!  All these topics that have been bubbling inside started to spill out and I felt like I had to write what was coming out otherwise I’d forget those ideas.  Still noise, but at least it all has to do with writing.

Sometimes, you really have to consciously turn down the external noise so you can hear your internal voice speak. 

Living Authentically

We go through life being told that we should live authentically.  We should listen to our hearts and follow it's advice.  Live our lives out loud and not conform to how society says we should live.

How many of us actually learn how to do this?  I'm 44 years old and I'm not sure I'm doing it right or at all.  I have convictions, beliefs, ideals, and I adhere to those bigger ideals.  But on a day-to-day basis, I feel as though I'm playing catch up.

But I know at least one person who is living authentically.  My child.  I'm not talking about Nadia, for once.  I'm talking about my other child, Damian.

I am a mother to a transgender person.  Maya is now Damian.

It has been quite a trip for the past 6 months since HE came out to us.  I have struggled with the thought of now having a son.  That is a topic for another post though.  For 16 years, I was the mother of two girls who were as different as can be.  Now I come to find out one of those girls doesn't feel right presenting as a girl.  Doesn't want to hide who he really is anymore.

The amount of courage that takes is tremendous.  I am in awe of the strength of character this takes.  I am happy to know that I had something to do with the building of that strength.  I am thrilled to realize that we created a bond that allowed Damian to trust us with his true self even if that true self wasn't manifested on the outside physical being.

I recently saw this:

It is so true.  I had no idea about my own child. But the flip side of this is also true: All parents should be aware that when they express support for LGBTQ issues, may be supporting their own child.  I'd like to think that whenever I posted something in support of LGBTQ rights or condemned violence or oppression of the LGBTQ community, I was showing my child that our family is a safe place to be who you truly are.  A place to truly live authentically.

I am a proud parent to a transgender individual.  

We all have choices in our lives regarding the person we grow into.  I'm so very proud of the person you are choosing to become and I love you always, Damian.

I am not alone in my mommy fears

I recently posted a very whiny post on Facebook.  Looking back at it, I complained about going a little crazy with the thought of sending my youngest across the country to a summer intensive for ballet.  This is my 12 year old, I'm talking about!  The one who leaves her phone on the kitchen counter and then freaks out when she can't find it (because she can't seem to retrace her steps to save her life).

Granted, she's never done the whole looking-for-her-phone-while-talking-on-it thing that I've maybe or maybe not done.  I'll never admit to it.

Anyway, I posted about how scared I was about sending my daughter on a plane by herself to NYC.  And I posted about it again.  And then counting down the days.  And finally one last post about it.  Then I got the response: RELAX.  That I worry too much.

Perhaps I do.  I see lots of parents sending their kids off to summer camp for weeks, off to visit family without them, off to travel by themselves.  But...this is the first time for me with Nadia, the first time this far away (she's going to NYC and Connecticut), and the first time for this long (3 1/2 weeks).

I've talked with friends when the kids were much younger about what would you do if they were given chances to study abroad, get picked to play/compete/dance with a big name in the event their talent was discovered at a young age.  Would you encourage your child to take the leap, possibly giving up their childhood, freedom, making them leave home early to pursue their chosen field?  This chance that Nadia has been given by Bolshoi was a very very small example of that.  Extremely small tip of the iceberg for us.  But we've already been asked if we'd be willing to let her to go Moscow to study if the chance was given.  We've been told that we should seriously consider sending her to high school in NYC if dance is really her passion.  We're not close to making those decisions yet, but those discussions have come up.  And it's scary to think about the ramifications of a decision like that.  How do you weigh growing up surrounded by family against a rare chance to fulfill a dream at a tender age?  Thankfully, that discussion is left for another day (and another blog post).

So, getting back to my Facebook posts and the point of this post.  Yes, I know I should relax.  Yes, I know I shouldn't worry so much.  And yet, I am a mother and that is what I do.  And I know I'm not alone.  So many other mommy friends chimed in to say that they understood.

"worry is natural.  Don't feel guilty about it."

"Even though it's going to turn out great...it's still BRUTAL AND GUT-WRENCHING!!"

"It's ok to feel like this.  Sending you lots of love and hugs!"

I didn't stop worrying but I didn't feel alone anymore.  And that's pretty huge.  I'm not the only one feeling this way - wanting to send my little birdie off into the world to pursue her dream but also wanting to keep her at home, with us, sleeping in during summer vacation, keeping her a kid for just one more year.

Thanks, mommy-friends, for easing the struggle a little bit.  It helps to know that I'm not alone in my uncertainty, my fear, my anxiety.

<3

#BolshoiSummerIntensive #mommyanxiety #raisingdaughters

Adventures in drinking water

One of the things I wanted to work on for the first quarter of the new year was to drink more water.  While I don't do New Year's Resolutions, I do like to pick a habit to work on.  It doesn't always happen though.  I'm not the best at setting myself up for success.

But still, I try.   On February 1st, I posted my goal which was to drink 32 ounces of water a day.  That's just two regular plastic water bottles worth (16.9 ounces each).  That's can't be that hard, right?  I know I could polish off a water bottle during a meeting, so I thought, one bottle during the morning at work, and one during the afternoon driving the kids around.  And I got so much encouragement from friends on Facebook and in real life.  I was buoyed by the enthusiasm.  Some even said they would do it with me!  And lots of suggestions on how to make it work.

For instance, one suggestion is to have a water bottle with me at all times.  Whether it is refillable or not, I should have water with me all the time.  I was doing that at the beginning of my endeavor.  The first couple of days, I was doing great!  Then one day I left my water bottle at work.  That's ok, I thought, I will try again the next day.  The next day, I left it in the car - and it was a hot day.  I even had a favorite water bottle...which I left somewhere and lost.

Another suggestion was to drink flavored water if I don't like plain.  My issue with that was when I left it in that hot car.  Ew.  Plain is ok warm, flavored is not.  Besides, plain water is ok, as long as it's cold.

Then someone suggested that I use an app to track my water consumption.  I got 3 different app suggestions.  So now, I have 4 different apps that roughly do the same thing that I don't use.

Well, that's it!  I'm going to try it again!  I just opened up one of my apps (which I don't like now because it doesn't have a way to post to Facebook - WTH?).  I just drank 8 ounces from a water bottle. If at first you don't succeed, write a blog post about it, and try, try again!

Too Much To Do....

I think I’m running my kids ragged.  

There never seems to be a break.  There is never time to just sleep in.  I had to tell Nadia to take a day off from school to sleep today.  Luckily she’s a great student and can afford the day off, but is one day off enough when she starts up at her break-neck speed the very next day?  I’ve done the same for Maya too, but it’s harder now that she’s in high school.  She’s not into as many activities though - her stress has come from school itself.

But it’s not me who is forcing all the activities onto Nadia.  I’m the one trying to get her to slow down, to drop activities (all of which she loves, by the way).  At one point in the past year, she had an activity on every day of the week.  This semester, she’s down to 5 days a week mainly because we are trying to cut back on some expenses.  

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So, I wrote the above part of this post on February 10, 2016.  I think the fact that I am just now finishing it speaks to the topic of this post!

Anyway, I’m prompted to finish this post now because this past week was our Spring Break.  And we did nothing.  And I really mean NOTHING.  We didn’t go anywhere, we didn’t plan anything, I didn’t try to wake the girls up in the morning.  Nadia still had ballet Tuesday through Saturday and Maya still had her night art class at LAVC (Los Angeles Valley College), but other than that...NOTHING.  We binge-watched tv shows, we went for walks, we watched movies, Maya drew (a lot, which was great for her - thanks to her teachers who gave her no homework over Spring Break).  

I tried to get them to go out to explore the city a bit, but they weren’t willing to leave the house if they didn’t have to.  Personally I got a little stir crazy, and I am usually the one clamoring to go out and have fun, but both of my girls were perfectly content to lounge around at home for a full week and not do a damn thing.  They didn’t even call friends to set up sleepovers which is usually what happens when we have a break from school.  Although Maya did go to the movies with a friend from school to see Deadpool for the 3rd time.

And of course, now, I’m looking around the house, my still-messy house, and feeling guilty about the fact that I also did nothing.  I did organize some things for my various activities throughout the week, but over all, I spent the week with my family taking a break from the world.  

When suggesting that we go out somewhere, anywhere, Maya asked me why. She said that they are happy to stay at home, to work on fun projects (like her drawing), or to watch hours of tv with me.  Why should we go somewhere when we are perfectly happy to be at home together?

Why, indeed.  Sometimes we really do need time to just do nothing.  And I need to let myself enjoy that because the time is fleeting - this week went by so fast.  I need to remember that my family WANTS to be together at home...I am so blessed to have that.

Unhappiness comes from believing that our life should be different than it currently is...

Ever notice that we crave lists?  To do lists, step-by-step instructions, shopping lists.  I know I need lists sometimes to make sense of my world.  I have so many balls juggling at once that I need to know by way of a list what ball NOT to drop.  What item can I not have go through the sieve that is sometimes my mind?

Most of the time, these lists are great.  They free up space in my brain or allow me to look at all the things I have to do and prioritize them so that I'm productive or catching my deadlines.  I get a great sense of accomplishment when I can cross off an item or two.  That's tangible progress!

Other times, my lists only go to show how far behind I am.  I try to cross off an item but then end up adding three more things to take its place.  My procrastination/low energy/Facebook habit has thwarted my productiveness! My list only goes to show how I'm not working faster or harder.  I'm not doing enough.

But...I am.  I'm doing exactly what I am capable of doing at this stage of my life.  I have to believe that.  I am who I am at this stage of my life.  And I have to be alright with that.  Because if I'm not alright with who I am now, how will I be alright with the person I will be in the future?

Unhappiness comes from believing that our life should be different than it currently is.  So, what's the inverse of that?  Happiness comes from believing that our life is how it should be at this moment in time.  That doesn't mean that it can't be different than what it is now.  Of course we have the power to change.  But the power to change doesn't invalidate who we are right now.  Our current state of being is who we need to be NOW to be the person we want to be in the FUTURE.  We just have to trust ourselves enough to evolve from the NOW to the FUTURE.

And by "we", I mean "me".

I'm a terrible housewife

This is my house right now.  It's a freaking mess.  And it does bother me, but I guess not enough that I feel the urgent need to do anything about it at the moment.  Instead, let me take a picture and share!  Kinda like the moms who take pictures of their crying/screaming kids and share those.  Oh, wait, I've done that too.

Friday, after work, I came home and met up with another Girl Scout leader who was picking up Girl Scout Cookies from me.  I walked in the door with her and this was the scene that greeted us.  I usually would instantly say "don't mind my house, it's such a mess" but I found myself not apologizing.  Later, Chris (my husband for those of you who don't know) was teasing me about walking in the front door and sighing really loudly even in the middle of talking to someone else.  My family frequently teases me about my sighing.  I do it unconsciously and loudly apparently.  When my girls were little, Chris would ask them "what does a doggy say?" and they would answer "Woof!".  "What does a kitty say?" "Meow!" "What does a mommy say?" They would sigh really loudly.

Ha, ha, very funny.  *sigh*

Anyway, I was a bit defensive because I responded "Well, maybe it's because I come home and see all the shit I have to do!".

And then I proceeded to get lunch and sit down at the equally messy table that houses my laptop to check email.  My laptop which, coincidentally, has 20 tabs open because I seem to have adult-onset ADD.  Again, messy.

What's funny (or ironic, you pick) is that I belong to Facebook groups about clearing up clutter and getting your finances in order and "fast" healthy recipes that I should be cooking for my family every night.  I guess I like seeing progress that other people are making...or I like torturing myself.  Probably both.

I'm getting to the point where I just don't care who sees my house in this state (although I'm definitely NOT sharing a picture of my kitchen!).  Maybe it's just that I've given up on having that picture-perfect house.  Maybe it's because I would rather come home after a long week and plop down on the couches with my family and watch our weekly run of TV shows we love instead of cleaning.  (In case you were wondering, currently those are The Flash, Arrow, Legends of Tomorrow, and Agent Carter.)

Or maybe it's so I have something kinda interesting to blog about!

Dependability

I've been spending a lot of time working on my volunteer pursuits this month and something that has hit me big time this month is the issue of dependability.

In the non-profit or volunteerism world, dependability is a huge commodity.  Finding someone who is trustworthy and dependable is key to getting projects done.  But often someone will say they will step up to run a project but either can't do it or decide that it's too much work.  It's certainly easy to say you'll step up to run the school carnival...but it is a whole different ball of wax to actually do it and not do a half-assed job.  Way too often, I have come across people who have grand ideas but lack the ability or drive to execute.

School PTAs are prime examples of this.  Sitting in a meeting, its hard to not step up to a position when the President or Principal asks for volunteers.  Especially when that call is put out and no one else is jumping at that chance.  I know for me, I feel badly that the school is going to miss out on making money or the kids will miss out on a fun event because no one stepped up to run the project.  So, I raise my hand.  When I say I'm going to do something, I rarely let anything get in my way of getting the job done.  How many sleepless nights have I spent on projects for my girls' schools?  Too many!

I guess I've been burned enough times to not expect people to follow through anymore.  Sad, but true.  I have a fantastic group of women on my Girl Scout Service Unit management team, but I've been slow to really depend on them.  Our Service Unit oversees 40 troops in our local area.  Recently, we had a huge snafu in a schedule leading up to our Girl Scout cookie selling season and I was up until late into the night working on fixing this for Girl Scouts.  The next weekend was a big event for over 200 girls that we were putting on.  At our last planning meeting before the event, all of these ladies insisted on taking jobs off my plate, so much so that I finished all the tasks I needed to do for the big event a couple of days ahead of my planned schedule.  I was SO thankful to not be stressing out leading up to the big event.  That wouldn't have happened if it weren't for these amazing volunteers who stepped up to help me.

To me, your word is golden.  If you step up for something and don't follow through, it reflects on your character.  I'd rather someone step up to a job, then tell me that they either need to step down or need help or even need a smaller position, than desert the position and all the people who were counting on you.  It's all too easy to abandon the job in a volunteer setting because there is no penalty, like docking your paycheck  But the effects of that are felt by the people who are left holding the bag, especially in an organization like a PTA or Scouts because the people who are being let down are children.

Be honest and open about your limitations.  With yourself and with others.

It takes work...

If things are going to be different, it's going to take some work.

Two weeks into the new year, and I'm back into the thinking that things have to be different simply because it's a new year.  Well, that's the kind of thinking that leads to depression about being in a rut.  I know because in the past, right around the new year, I would get down on the fact that the more things change, the more they stay the same.  Every year, we make resolutions (or resolve to not make them!) and then by mid January (for me anyway) things go back to being the same as before.  It's as though we think that just because a number changed on the calendar, things will change because we simply will it.

Well, that's not how it works.  It's only taken me 43 years to be able to articulate this.

Something else I've learned and see the wisdom of:  breaking things down into steps and smaller goals to be able to tackle them.  Of course, there are all sorts of other blogs, coaches, self-help books to tell you this.  And I have read quite a few of them, have some of those books on my shelves.  I know this fact...but it doesn't mean it automatically translates into following said advice.

I also know of the advice of declaring to the world what your goals are and that is supposed to be some sort of pressure to keep trying.  By sharing goals with others, they are supposed to keep you accountable.  Been there, done that, too.

But, doesn't mean I shouldn't try it again.  So here goes:

My goal this year is to get back to writing and update this blog more often. I think every other week would be great, but the ultimate goal is to write once a week.

The long term purpose for this is to write for a living.  To be paid to write, which is what I really love to do.

You'd think that if I loved it so much, I'd do it more.  I don't know why I don't.  I claim I don't have time.  And yet, I have the time to keep up with my favorite TV shows.  Really that's my downtime though.  I get home from work or meetings and plop down on the couch and turn on the TV.  I need to just grab my laptop and write before I do that.

So dear readers (all 5 of you, haha!), if it occurs to you, shoot me a message to encourage me to write.  Especially if I haven't posted in more than a week.

After all, isn't that the point of publicly sharing my goals with the world?  See, it's all up to you, really.

;-p

Why do I do this to myself?

That is the question that Maya asked me the other night as I was stressing out about a spreadsheet I had to submit to Girl Scouts about troops in my area and where they wanted to have their cookie booths.  See, I'm the Service Unit Manager (or SUM for short) for the area and I oversee about 40 troops leaders.  This is a volunteer position, in addition to being an actual Troop Leader for Nadia's troop.  Well, as SUM, I help Girl Scouts of Greater Los Angeles (GSGLA) oversee things like troop registrations, Fall nuts and candy sales, and Spring cookies.  Usually it's not too much work, but this past week has been the exception.  Cookie sales are starting up, and as the largest fundraiser for most troops, it's very important for it to run smoothly.

It did NOT run smoothly this past week.

Selling Girl Scout cookies in front of grocery stores is usually the fastest and best way to generate sales.  So those locations, and the best days and times, are coveted by troops, especially if there are large fundraising goals by the troop.  For instance, if a troop wants to take a trip with the money they raise.  Nadia's troop is thinking about going to a dude ranch for a weekend.  One that was recommended to us costs about $200 for the weekend per girl.  That means, if we are to cover it with our sales, each girl in our troop would have to sell about 200 boxes of cookies to cover her trip.  Actually a little more than 200 boxes as we get to keep $0.95 per box of cookies sold.  It's easy to sell between 100 and 200 boxes of cookies at just one 3 hour booth.

Anyway, so back to booth locations.  The ones at the big stores like Ralphs are coveted, especially on the weekends and during daylight hours.  So there is an online program that has all the locations that opens up at a certain time for booth sign up.  And this past week, that was on Thursday night at 6:30pm.  It's a mad rush to grab up those good spots!  The system can crash or lag due to hundreds of troop leaders trying to get online and grab up that Saturday 2pm-5pm booth spot at the large Ralphs grocery story on Ventura Blvd.  Those spots can be gone in a matter of seconds.

Well, guess what locations were not in the system at 6:30pm on Thursday night??

OH THE MADNESS!  OH THE PANIC (MAINLY ON MY PART)! OH THE HUMANITY!

I don't know how to share the fiasco that ensued without explaining why this was a big deal.  On the first night of booth sign ups, you are only allowed to sign up for booths in your immediate Service Unit area.  Service Units are divided up by zip code.  So, a troop in a zip code neighboring us cannot sign up for booths in our Service Unit on that first night.  For our Service Unit, this is a big deal because our grocery stores are really busy and are in a higher income neighborhood.  Neighboring Service Units want to come to our grocery stores to booth,  The fact that they weren't in the system for the only night that they are reserved for us was a huge deal.

Yes, Girl Scout Cookies Season is SERIOUS BUSINESS, GUYS.

As SUM, I knew this wasn't fair to the troops in my area.  So I did what I felt was necessary - had to do a private booth sign up session before the next time the booth scheduler program would be open.  All the prime locations were going to be in the system on Saturday night, but it would also be open for any troop to sign up for slots.  So, at 8pm on Friday night, I had a private booth sign up session via email.

My email BLEW UP at 8pm!  It was first email, first served, and I had 40 troops emailing me exactly at 8pm.  I had to go in the order it was received, down to the seconds.  Oh but then came the joy of scheduling all the choices that came in.  I had 4 charts with locations and dates and times, and two spreadsheets with all of the choices.  I had to do all those by hand because it was just easier to have it all spread out on the dining table.  Then had to transcribe it all into the final spreadsheet.  It was 1am when I finally finished that and sent it to GSGLA.  I think I'm still recovering from that evening.

But the WHOLE point of this post came from Maya.  Everyone in the family knew of the stress I was going through over this mess.  She came out of her room around 11pm and sat down at the table with me.  Just to keep me company.  After listening to my endless sighs, she asked me, "Why do you do this?"

At various points throughout this fiasco, I had asked myself this too.  But it's always the same answer: because I believe in the cause.  In this case, it is Girl Scouts.  And the biggest problem with Girl Scouts is that there aren't enough leaders.  We have girls on waiting lists for new troops to start or for existing ones to have openings.  We have a lack of leaders.  So, I volunteer because I want to help leaders who have stepped up.  Because leading a troop is not easy.  It isn't all crafts and cookies all the time!

If not me, who?

My last 4 days of winter vacation was stressful and a blur of dates, times, and troop numbers.  But in the end, if I helped a troop earn money to go on a trip or do a service project, then I feel that it is worth it.