A day of celebration and faith

It's June 7th and it's a momentous day for a few reasons. 

1. It's my parents' 48th wedding anniversary!

Happy 48th wedding anniversary to my parents, seen here
with Damian at Woodbury University.

2. Damian is graduating from high school!

I've already cried twice today and it's only 9:30am. 

A very sweet and dear teacher friend was telling me today about how she admired me and the ways in which I support my children.  Her own kids are grown up and she has grandkids so she said she has the gift of experience and wanted to tell me how she was so proud of me and Chris.  She sees that we will be reaping the rewards of our efforts today with our kids and she understands how hard it can be and empathized with me having to let Damian take a different path than what I had envisioned for him.  Mrs. B. totally made me cry in the middle of class. She and I have always had amazing conversations and I just love her so much.

A word that kept coming up over and over in my mind was FAITH.  I have a MyIntent bracelet with that word on it.  I chose that word because I sometimes have to remind myself that I need to keep faith that things will work out the way that is best for all involved, specifically my children.  Today, specifically for Damian. 

What a wild ride the last 4 years have been.  But with all those ups and downs, all those times I was worried about him and wondering how he would navigate this world which can be extremely cruel and unfair to the LGBTQ community and especially to the Transgender community, all those times of doubt about whether I was doing the right thing...it all lead up to this moment of him this morning before going off to his last day of school:

June 7, 2018 - Last Day of High School!

He's handsome, confident, and happy.  He's excited about his future at Woodbury University. As my teacher friend said, he is mental and emotional ready to take on this world.  What a gift his presence has been in our lives!  I can't imagine him any other way.  I feel as though I have really gotten to know him after his transition.  It's a blessing that he was so brave and felt safe enough to come out to us and live his authentic life.  

Damn I am just so PROUD of this kid!  More pics coming after tonight's graduation!

August 15, 2017 - First Day of Senior Year.

First quarter 2018

Well, so much for posting more.  In my last post on December 29th 2017, I talked about posting more.  What the heck!  It's April.  Guess the joke's on me!

A lot has happened in the first three months of 2018.

Damian:
January 18 - We received approval from Damian's health insurance for his top surgery!
January 20 - Damian and I marched in the Women's March and Damian registered to vote!
February 8 - Damian turned 18!
February 11 - Damian had his top surgery! (More on this in a different post!)
February 26 - After two weeks home recovering, Damian was cleared to go back to school.
March 6 - Damian got accepted to his top college choice, Woodbury University!
March 13 - We found out that he was awarded $20,000 in a merit scholarship for Woodbury!!

Nadia:

January 13 - Nadia auditioned for Ballet West summer intensive.
January 17 - She found out that she got in!
February 4 - Nadia competed in Round 2 of The Music Center's Spotlight Awards
February 9 - Nadia competed in YAGP semi-finals in Las Vegas
February 17 - Nadia competed in California Dance Classics (and got Honorable Mention for her solo!)
February 18 - Nadia competed with her class in California Dance Classics (and got 2nd place for their ensemble!)
Week of February 21-26 - Performed in her first musical theater show with CHAMPS.
March 10 - Nadia competed with her class in YAGP semi-finals in Los Angeles
March 11 - Nadia competed in YAGP semi-finals in Los Angeles
March 11 - We found out that her class got 3rd place for their ensemble at YAGP LA!
March 19 - We found out that her class was invited to compete in NYC in the YAGP finals!  They will be going the weekend of April 13-16.

It is now April 1st, and the tail end of spring break...all the aforementioned has been great news.  And yet, looking back, I have been a ball of stress for the first three months of this year.  I have come to realize that I should post more, if only to remind myself of all the good things in my life and be learn to be grateful more often (I AM grateful, but it seems to always be overshadowed in my mind with the things that I am worried about (more about what that is in my next post).

One more thing that happened on January 4 - since I was not happy with any of Damian's senior pictures, I asked a friend of mine through Girl Scouts to do a photo shoot for Damian.  It ended up being a session for both Damian and Nadia.  The pictures are amazing and I'm thrilled with them.  If you're looking for a family photographer, and want to meet a wonderfully kind and caring woman to boot, I highly recommend my friend Linda Bradley. 

Taking Stock: Fall 2017

In doing some research about Bullet Journaling, I came across this list on www.meatmeetsmike.com that many seem to use in Bullet Journaling.  I thought it would be a good way to end 2017 on my blog since I haven't posted since September.

September?!?! Honestly where has the time gone? I have thought of many topics to write about but just haven't done it.  I really want to change that but I'm not sure what the best recourse for that would be for me.  Two schools of thought: schedule it out once a week or even once a month or go all in with a sentence or two every day.

I'll get back to that in a bit to decide.

For now, taking stock of Fall 2017:

Making: Small efforts here and there.
Cooking: Curry.
Drinking: Wine.
Reading: What Happened? by Hillary Clinton; I am Malala by Malala Yousafzai. Also, A World History of Photography by Naomi Rosenblum for my History of Photography class at LAVC.
Next Read: Daughters of the Night Sky by Aimie K Runyan.
Wanting: A less cluttered home.
Looking: A bit more overweight. 😔
Playing: Gummy Drop!
Deciding: To start paying attention, real attention, to my health.
Wishing: For a society that didn't allow racism out in the open.
Enjoying: My children loving each other and being each other's best friends.
Waiting: For Trump to be impeached.
Liking: My electricity bill after we got the solar panels installed.
Wondering: About Damian's future who has been applying to colleges this Fall!
Loving: That Nadia loves her new high school!
Pondering: Small ways to improve our lives.
Considering: How to pay off some bills.
Buying: Amazon's Echo and automating our house.
Watching: Finished Firefly and all 7 seasons of The West Wing with Nadia!
Next watch: The Crown!
Hoping: To be a little less angry in 2018.
Marvelling: At the persistence of people in the fight for equality.
Cringing: At the persistence of the people in the fight for inequality.
Needing: To believe that things will right themselves in the coming years.
Questioning: How the time flew by and I have two kids in high school!
Smelling: Whatever candle I'm burning from Candles By Ari. 💟 I'm getting into the habit of burning a candle everyday if I'm home for an extended period of time.  I find that the gentle (and sometimes not-so-gentle) smells relax me.
Wearing: Comfy clothes.
Following: A bunch of new people on Instagram.  This past week, I've started looking into Bullet Journaling (as I said at the top).  It's supposed to be easy and simple - but too many people make it all fancy and pretty and Pinterest-y and that overwhelmed me earlier this year.  
Noticing: My hair needs to be colored again.  Sometimes I wonder if I should just accept it and let it go all gray naturally.  This in-between stage sucks though.
Knowing: That I need to make an effort to take care of myself.  I let myself go this Fall and my recent check up showed that.  
Thinking: About how much we did over the past 3 months.  September, we got Damian's name and gender legally changed.  October, Chris and I celebrated 23 years of marriage.  Also, my car died on the freeway during rush hour traffic, but the part that died was still under warranty!  So, STRESS and then not so much stress.  November, Damian got his first college acceptance letter! And he finished a couple of his other college applications.  And Nadia had a couple of shows/recitals.  She is thriving.
Admiring: Countries that have their health care systems in order.  Sure it may be a long wait to get surgery or something like that, but if I feel the need to not take my medication as often as I should because I need to make it last because of the damn health insurance, then me needing something more invasive will become inevitable.  Preventative care is the way to go - and that should be accessible to everyone.
Sorting: Through old clothes and things in the house.  We have too much stuff and I don't want it anymore.
Getting: To the point where I might just have to accept that we will never retire and travel the world.
Bookmarking: My doctor's patient portal so that it is staring me in the face so I check in with her often.
Coveting: Peace.  Really, that's all I want.  I don't need to be rich - just want the stress of things like credit cards, healthcare bills, and expensive surprises to go away.  And if those things went away, the income both Chris and I have now would be enough.  On top of it all, stress of looming college bills.
Disliking: That I have to gall to complain about all that when we have a roof over our head, food on the table, and our (relatively good) health.
Opening: All the mail every day.  I am making the decision to open all the mail every day so that I stop letting it pile up and get overwhelmed by the unopened mail.
Giggling: At the antics of Andy on Parks & Rec.  Damian and Chris quoted him to me earlier today when I was talking about going to the doctor and getting all the tests done.  There was an episode where Andy had to go to the doctor and had so much wrong with him.  But it was hilarious and I was giggling way past the time when they quoted him to me.  
Feeling: Good about the fact that I went to the doctor yesterday and have a plan to get myself back under control.
Snacking: NO!  I need to stop snacking - this is why I'm in the situation I'm in right now!  But last night I was snacking on Gorgonzola crackers from Trader's Joe.  Yum.
Hearing: Don and Paulette's dog barking.  But I like that right now because that means that it is warm enough outside to have our door open.  I know that the rest of the country is having some severe cold weather right now, so I'm thankful for what we have here in Southern California.

This was harder than I thought it would be to fill in all of these items.  

Two weeks left in Summer 2017

Nadia and Damian at LA Pride

Graduation memories!

I end each school year with the idea that I'm going to get so much done around the house in the summer months.  But my house is as crazy as ever.  June went by in a blur - Nadia graduated from middle school.  I remember that the Girl Scout troop met a couple of times (tour of NPR West and a Patrol Challenge day) and Nadia spent a lot of time with friends she's leaving from middle school and we went to the LA Pride parade and we had a bunch of doctor check ups (just your regular yearly exams)...

But July!  July was a busy but pretty great month.  We started off with a fabulous family vacation.  It's the one week of the summer that Chris has off from work so we took advantage.  First, we went to Arrowhead on our annual 4th of July trip with The Five Families aka the Playgroup Families.  These are four other families who we've know for over 17 years now - kids were a part of our MOMS Club playgroup with Damian.  Anyway, every 4th of July we go to a house in Arrowhead that is owned by one of the families and they generously invite us all.  We always have a grand time on the lake. 

Summer fun on the lake.

It's a summer tradition - one that hopefully will continue for a long time.  We were there from June 30th (Friday night) until July 4th (Tuesday).  Then we drove from Arrowhead to Pine Mountain Lake just outside of Yosemite for the rest of the week.  My in-laws' friends have a lake house up there which, again, they generously invited us (and a bunch of other families) to come and relax.  Driving from Arrowhead to PML took us about 9 hours in total but I'm so glad we did it.  The rest of the week was of good food, lots of wine, swimming, and playing cards.  We taught Damian and Nadia how to play poker and they both actually came away with some cash winnings!  We left PML to come back home on Saturday July 8th.  That was quite the ride back!  It was 104 degrees or something insane like that and our AC in the car didn't work for half the ride back!  We had to stop more than we wanted to so that we could go inside an air conditioned restaurant to cool down.  It was early evening when the temp dropped to 93 degrees when the AC decided to kick in!  Oh how we cheered!

July 7th was also important because it was the one year anniversary of Damian coming out to the world.  A full year of Living Authentically.  It was also the anniversary of my full acceptance of him - calling him Damian, using male pronouns all the time.  So much has happened in the past year.  We informed his school of his transition.  He went on T shots.  He cut his hair to fully represent who he is.  We had a big family gathering during the week of Thanksgiving for a wedding and he was fully and completely accepted by my extended family.  He seems so much more at ease with who he is and living that way out loud.  He continues to awe me with his strength.

This is not to say that I still don't struggle with this.  I do.  Facebook's feature "On This Day" is an almost constant reminder of his past and what I used to have.  But I've changed - before I would have said "what I lost".  But I've come to realize that I didn't lose anything.  I now have a child who is more and more comfortable with who he truly is.  I thought I knew my child before.  But I'm learning that I am only now getting to know his true self and he's amazing.

Facetiming with Nadia

Back to our July - the week after we got back from our family vacation was busy with getting Nadia ready to leave for the Bolshoi Ballet summer intensive.  I handled it better than last year, but was still a bit of a mess.  Last minute shopping and packing and making sure she was ready for her flights and navigating a taxi by herself in Hartford....oh, and getting ready for the Girl Scout Twilight Camp (a day camp) which I was volunteering at the following week.  AHHHHH!

So Nadia left on July 15th to Washington DC, staying overnight with my wonderful uncle and cousin, then got on another flight from DC to Hartford on July 16th.  Bit of a delay in Hartford as the taxi company was awful and didn't send a taxi for about 1 1/2 hours.  But luckily she had someone to wait with at the airport....all's well that ends well.  She got settled in (got her own room too!) and started the intensive on July 17th.

Friends from Twilight Camp

Which was the start of Twilight Camp for me.  It's a day camp run by volunteers and Girl Scout counselors.  Remember how I said I still struggle with Damian's transition?  Well, we fought about him going to Twilight Camp.  I know, he's not a girl so why did I fight about him going to Girl Scout camp?  For me, it was mostly about him being with friends he's known forever.  It's his last year - next year he'll be 18 and he would be an adult.  It was about closing out a chapter in his life.  Really, that's it.  I admit I was being selfish.  It's things like this that make me think about the past and what I thought was real.  We fought, but we compromised and he came for 2 days.  I appreciate his ability to compromise with me on things like this.

Getting Senior Portraits done

Finally the last full week of July.  Several things happened.  On Monday, Damian took his Senior portraits!  His last year of high school has begun.  Then, we filed the paperwork in the courts to make Damian's name and gender change legal.  Again...internally I struggle with this, but I do accept that this is the next step.  Should have done this earlier, but I just didn't.  But we have a court date!  September 8th.

The other big thing last week was our first doctor consultation for "top" surgery.

I paused here for a few minutes while writing this because this is emotional for me.  It's hard to process and express what I'm feeling.  After the appointment, I was surprised at what I felt.  I felt ok.  Relaxed.  It hit me again - what is happening is true and real because there is no way that someone would put themselves through all the pain and turmoil and headache of living as the gender that is opposite your assigned-at-birth one. I'll write more about this and the legal stuff later when I've had a bit more time to process it.

Today is July 31st.  The end of a eventful month.  Tomorrow starts another eventful month.  Tomorrow, August 1st, Damian and I leave for NYC and Hartford to pick up Nadia from Bolshoi.  I get the excitement of showing Damian NYC for the first time and then spending the weekend there with both of my kids.  I wish Chris was coming, but he's working as usual.  Then we get back, just in time for Nadia's high school orientation and Damian's senior orientation.  Off on another adventure!

Turning Points

Yesterday was a turning point for me in a couple of different ways.

First, my relationship with my daughter, M, changed for the better.  We had a major falling out on Sunday night about a certain class she was taking and Monday morning, we were still at odds.  So much so, that she barely said goodbye to me and that rocked me to my core.  I took the day off from work to wrap my brain around what had happened.  And I cleaned her room while she was at school.  You see, she's 15 years old, in 9th grade, and a typical teenager in that her room was a disaster.  While that wasn't what we fought over, it was a constant sticking point for me.  So, after breakfast and moping around the house, I got down to business.  I didn't do everything I wanted, but I made a huge dent in her room.  Part of the reason for me cleaning her room is because I feel like the clutter in causing clutter in her brain.  I know the feeling.  I am not the best housekeeper, but when I do clean up, I feel so much more at peace.  So, I did this to help her.

I tried to meet with her school counselor to talk to her about what was going on at school and then ran into her tennis coach.  This woman is amazing.  What every teacher should be - tries to teach to the whole child.  It was meant to be for me to run into her after trying to meet up with M's counselor.  She could see that things were not great and took a few minutes to talk to me.  And put me at ease about everything.  Gave me some helpful insight, tips on how to fix the situation, and helped me relax.  Most importantly, helped M relax.  I picked up M after my meetings and we went to Coffee Bean to sit and talk.  She was not in the mood, but she opened up after some prodding.  It was like opening up a dam.  We were there for almost 2 hours.  We got through some tough issues between us.  I feel like I'm always yelling at her.  She feels like all I ever do is criticize.  I feel like she doesn't hear me.  She feels like I don't care about anything except for school.  I feel like she is slipping away.  She feels like I don't understand what it is like to be a high schooler.

Typical mother-teenage daughter stuff.

But I know we made a breakthrough when I got home today and M was home before me - and put away the trash cans without me asking her.

Yup, she heard me yesterday.  I'm enjoying this renewed closeness...while it lasts!

The second turning point for me yesterday?  Starting this blog.

I've had blogs in the past.  I kept a pretty steady one when our family lived in South Korea and about a year after we came back.  http://priyabradfield.livejournal.com A lot of it is private now...it was a tumultuous time in my life.

I've had other blogs that I've tried to start up since that one.  Didn't keep them going.  Maybe I just didn't have the need before.  Maybe it's just right, now.  We'll see.  :)