A little bit everyday...

I don't know what it is about me, but I am not good at doing the things I want to do. I do the things I need to do, I do the things I have to do, I do the things that other people need me to do. But when it comes to doing the things that I want to do, I'm stuck. I have a ton of excuses - I don't have time for fun right now, I need more time to do that thing than I have right now, I'm too tired to get out all the things I need in order to do the thing I want to do (this is mainly with scrapbooking or other crafty things). But one of my favorite excuses is that I need to clean my (house/room/table/desk) before I can do that thing.

So, I have this idea that I should do a little bit everyday. Whether that's clean, declutter, exercise, eat right, crochet, read an actual book, or write, I keep telling myself that I just need 10 to 30 minutes a day to do that thing.

And....well, it's been almost a month already since I posted here.

I'm trying so very hard not to beat myself up over the fact that after a year of staying at home, not a lot has changed in my own personal life. Not having the time was an excuse before...I'm struggling with feeling embarrassed and mad at myself for not taking advantage of the time I've had over the last year.

Can anyone else relate?

I'm not going to question it...

So the last time I wrote in this blog was April 2020 - almost a year ago. I was doing weekly posts about the things that made me happy. But apparently the last time I was happy was April 26, 2020. Well, I could try to analyze this, but I'm not going to question it. It is what it is.

I'm just going to jump back into it.

What's Making Me Happy This Week

1. Streaming services - in a time like this, it is nice not to have to depend on a place like Blockbusters or regular TV only.  Maybe it's not ideal and probably keeping us in front of the TV more than if we didn't have it, but it is nice to be able to search for movies or full runs of shows to keep our minds off of the real world.



2. Smart movies and TV shows.  There are so many GOOD movies and shows out there.  Yes, it's great to have the fun and not so serious stuff, but a really good smart show keeps my mind occupied more than something not so deep.
3. Speaking of good movies, I'm SO grateful that our kids can appreciate amazing old movies.  We are starting to watch movies off the American Film Institute's Top 100.  https://www.afi.com/afis-100-years-100-movies-10th-anniversary-edition/ On Sunday April 26th, we watched Rear Window (1954).  Damian chose it off the list.  They loved it!  What I found so interesting is that it is still a thriller - sometimes, scary movies don't hold up.  But because there are no special effects (well, except for one that was cheesy but didn't effect the enjoyment of the movie), the content of the movie was still so enjoyable and both kids were mesmerized to the end.  Hitchcock was definitely a master.


4. The ability to let go.  I was taking a psychology class at LAVC this spring.  After much debate, I dropped it because I just don't think I have it in me to continue it right now.  It was a tough class.  I am still taking sociology though.  
5. Incremental goals!  I set a goal of 20,000 steps last week and I did it!  Total of 21,235 steps for the week (plus another 215 on the one day I didn't go out last week).  Roughly 3,000 steps a day.

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What's Making Me Happy This Week.

1. Girl Scout Cookie season ended one week before the shut down in Los Angeles!
2. A Facebook group that had a online happy hour last Wednesday evening.  We had 35-40 people on at one point...and the happy hour lasted 3 hours!  It helped me fight the funk for another day.
3. Walking by Nadia's room one afternoon and hearing her practicing her ukelele.
4. Damian stretching.
5. Puzzles.

A day of celebration and faith

It's June 7th and it's a momentous day for a few reasons. 

1. It's my parents' 48th wedding anniversary!

Happy 48th wedding anniversary to my parents, seen here
with Damian at Woodbury University.

2. Damian is graduating from high school!

I've already cried twice today and it's only 9:30am. 

A very sweet and dear teacher friend was telling me today about how she admired me and the ways in which I support my children.  Her own kids are grown up and she has grandkids so she said she has the gift of experience and wanted to tell me how she was so proud of me and Chris.  She sees that we will be reaping the rewards of our efforts today with our kids and she understands how hard it can be and empathized with me having to let Damian take a different path than what I had envisioned for him.  Mrs. B. totally made me cry in the middle of class. She and I have always had amazing conversations and I just love her so much.

A word that kept coming up over and over in my mind was FAITH.  I have a MyIntent bracelet with that word on it.  I chose that word because I sometimes have to remind myself that I need to keep faith that things will work out the way that is best for all involved, specifically my children.  Today, specifically for Damian. 

What a wild ride the last 4 years have been.  But with all those ups and downs, all those times I was worried about him and wondering how he would navigate this world which can be extremely cruel and unfair to the LGBTQ community and especially to the Transgender community, all those times of doubt about whether I was doing the right thing...it all lead up to this moment of him this morning before going off to his last day of school:

June 7, 2018 - Last Day of High School!

He's handsome, confident, and happy.  He's excited about his future at Woodbury University. As my teacher friend said, he is mental and emotional ready to take on this world.  What a gift his presence has been in our lives!  I can't imagine him any other way.  I feel as though I have really gotten to know him after his transition.  It's a blessing that he was so brave and felt safe enough to come out to us and live his authentic life.  

Damn I am just so PROUD of this kid!  More pics coming after tonight's graduation!

August 15, 2017 - First Day of Senior Year.

First quarter 2018

Well, so much for posting more.  In my last post on December 29th 2017, I talked about posting more.  What the heck!  It's April.  Guess the joke's on me!

A lot has happened in the first three months of 2018.

Damian:
January 18 - We received approval from Damian's health insurance for his top surgery!
January 20 - Damian and I marched in the Women's March and Damian registered to vote!
February 8 - Damian turned 18!
February 11 - Damian had his top surgery! (More on this in a different post!)
February 26 - After two weeks home recovering, Damian was cleared to go back to school.
March 6 - Damian got accepted to his top college choice, Woodbury University!
March 13 - We found out that he was awarded $20,000 in a merit scholarship for Woodbury!!

Nadia:

January 13 - Nadia auditioned for Ballet West summer intensive.
January 17 - She found out that she got in!
February 4 - Nadia competed in Round 2 of The Music Center's Spotlight Awards
February 9 - Nadia competed in YAGP semi-finals in Las Vegas
February 17 - Nadia competed in California Dance Classics (and got Honorable Mention for her solo!)
February 18 - Nadia competed with her class in California Dance Classics (and got 2nd place for their ensemble!)
Week of February 21-26 - Performed in her first musical theater show with CHAMPS.
March 10 - Nadia competed with her class in YAGP semi-finals in Los Angeles
March 11 - Nadia competed in YAGP semi-finals in Los Angeles
March 11 - We found out that her class got 3rd place for their ensemble at YAGP LA!
March 19 - We found out that her class was invited to compete in NYC in the YAGP finals!  They will be going the weekend of April 13-16.

It is now April 1st, and the tail end of spring break...all the aforementioned has been great news.  And yet, looking back, I have been a ball of stress for the first three months of this year.  I have come to realize that I should post more, if only to remind myself of all the good things in my life and be learn to be grateful more often (I AM grateful, but it seems to always be overshadowed in my mind with the things that I am worried about (more about what that is in my next post).

One more thing that happened on January 4 - since I was not happy with any of Damian's senior pictures, I asked a friend of mine through Girl Scouts to do a photo shoot for Damian.  It ended up being a session for both Damian and Nadia.  The pictures are amazing and I'm thrilled with them.  If you're looking for a family photographer, and want to meet a wonderfully kind and caring woman to boot, I highly recommend my friend Linda Bradley. 

Taking Stock: Fall 2017

In doing some research about Bullet Journaling, I came across this list on www.meatmeetsmike.com that many seem to use in Bullet Journaling.  I thought it would be a good way to end 2017 on my blog since I haven't posted since September.

September?!?! Honestly where has the time gone? I have thought of many topics to write about but just haven't done it.  I really want to change that but I'm not sure what the best recourse for that would be for me.  Two schools of thought: schedule it out once a week or even once a month or go all in with a sentence or two every day.

I'll get back to that in a bit to decide.

For now, taking stock of Fall 2017:

Making: Small efforts here and there.
Cooking: Curry.
Drinking: Wine.
Reading: What Happened? by Hillary Clinton; I am Malala by Malala Yousafzai. Also, A World History of Photography by Naomi Rosenblum for my History of Photography class at LAVC.
Next Read: Daughters of the Night Sky by Aimie K Runyan.
Wanting: A less cluttered home.
Looking: A bit more overweight. 😔
Playing: Gummy Drop!
Deciding: To start paying attention, real attention, to my health.
Wishing: For a society that didn't allow racism out in the open.
Enjoying: My children loving each other and being each other's best friends.
Waiting: For Trump to be impeached.
Liking: My electricity bill after we got the solar panels installed.
Wondering: About Damian's future who has been applying to colleges this Fall!
Loving: That Nadia loves her new high school!
Pondering: Small ways to improve our lives.
Considering: How to pay off some bills.
Buying: Amazon's Echo and automating our house.
Watching: Finished Firefly and all 7 seasons of The West Wing with Nadia!
Next watch: The Crown!
Hoping: To be a little less angry in 2018.
Marvelling: At the persistence of people in the fight for equality.
Cringing: At the persistence of the people in the fight for inequality.
Needing: To believe that things will right themselves in the coming years.
Questioning: How the time flew by and I have two kids in high school!
Smelling: Whatever candle I'm burning from Candles By Ari. 💟 I'm getting into the habit of burning a candle everyday if I'm home for an extended period of time.  I find that the gentle (and sometimes not-so-gentle) smells relax me.
Wearing: Comfy clothes.
Following: A bunch of new people on Instagram.  This past week, I've started looking into Bullet Journaling (as I said at the top).  It's supposed to be easy and simple - but too many people make it all fancy and pretty and Pinterest-y and that overwhelmed me earlier this year.  
Noticing: My hair needs to be colored again.  Sometimes I wonder if I should just accept it and let it go all gray naturally.  This in-between stage sucks though.
Knowing: That I need to make an effort to take care of myself.  I let myself go this Fall and my recent check up showed that.  
Thinking: About how much we did over the past 3 months.  September, we got Damian's name and gender legally changed.  October, Chris and I celebrated 23 years of marriage.  Also, my car died on the freeway during rush hour traffic, but the part that died was still under warranty!  So, STRESS and then not so much stress.  November, Damian got his first college acceptance letter! And he finished a couple of his other college applications.  And Nadia had a couple of shows/recitals.  She is thriving.
Admiring: Countries that have their health care systems in order.  Sure it may be a long wait to get surgery or something like that, but if I feel the need to not take my medication as often as I should because I need to make it last because of the damn health insurance, then me needing something more invasive will become inevitable.  Preventative care is the way to go - and that should be accessible to everyone.
Sorting: Through old clothes and things in the house.  We have too much stuff and I don't want it anymore.
Getting: To the point where I might just have to accept that we will never retire and travel the world.
Bookmarking: My doctor's patient portal so that it is staring me in the face so I check in with her often.
Coveting: Peace.  Really, that's all I want.  I don't need to be rich - just want the stress of things like credit cards, healthcare bills, and expensive surprises to go away.  And if those things went away, the income both Chris and I have now would be enough.  On top of it all, stress of looming college bills.
Disliking: That I have to gall to complain about all that when we have a roof over our head, food on the table, and our (relatively good) health.
Opening: All the mail every day.  I am making the decision to open all the mail every day so that I stop letting it pile up and get overwhelmed by the unopened mail.
Giggling: At the antics of Andy on Parks & Rec.  Damian and Chris quoted him to me earlier today when I was talking about going to the doctor and getting all the tests done.  There was an episode where Andy had to go to the doctor and had so much wrong with him.  But it was hilarious and I was giggling way past the time when they quoted him to me.  
Feeling: Good about the fact that I went to the doctor yesterday and have a plan to get myself back under control.
Snacking: NO!  I need to stop snacking - this is why I'm in the situation I'm in right now!  But last night I was snacking on Gorgonzola crackers from Trader's Joe.  Yum.
Hearing: Don and Paulette's dog barking.  But I like that right now because that means that it is warm enough outside to have our door open.  I know that the rest of the country is having some severe cold weather right now, so I'm thankful for what we have here in Southern California.

This was harder than I thought it would be to fill in all of these items.  

Counting my blessings

This topic has come up a couple of times in the last week.  I feel as though it is a thought that is being repeated to me because I need to hear it right now.

All too often, we focus on what's wrong in our lives.  How often do you respond to the question "How are you?" or "How's it going?" in a drab or even negative way?  I know I usually answer it with "I'm alright" or "oh, it's going."  But I almost never say "I'm doing great!"

My dad recently had to start taking insulin to control his diabetes.  He's 75 years old and has been diabetic for a while, but this is the first time he's had to take insulin shots.  I'm sure he's not happy about it, maybe even a little angry or depressed, but my mom took the attitude that he's had all this time without the need for insulin.  She was talking about how we should be thankful for the situation that we're in and not having to resort to insulin from an early age.  My mom talked about how she thinks of the children who have Type-1 diabetes.  Those parents who have to worry about insulin shots for their children as they go to school. And there are worse health problems than diabetes which, once diagnosed, can be managed.

My friend, Ari, talked about counting your blessings on her latest radio show and her latest blog post.  There is always someone who is worse off then you.  And it's true.  Whatever financial situation you're going through - someone else has to deal with worse.  Whatever health crisis you're going through - someone else has to deal with worse.  Whatever sucky job you're dealing with - someone else is a suckier job.

I think that in today's world, it is easier than ever to forget to count our blessings.  Whenever you go online, you see the amazing pictures of someone else's day or week.  I swear, since school let out two weeks ago, I've had, at the minimum, five Facebook friends who had a family vacation in Hawaii.  Was there an airline sale I missed??  Beautiful pictures of swimming in clear waters, playing on white sand beaches (and one black sand beach!!), eating the yummiest food all on the picturesque islands.  And it's so easy to compare yourself to what others present online and so easy to forget to count all that we have.

I will not forget that I have:

• a fun and loving family.
• a fun and loving extended family too!
• a non-leaky roof over my head.
• an AC that works in this insane heat wave we're having here in Southern California!
• enough to keep our bills paid, the lights on, and food in our fridge.
• friends who share their abundance.
• a couple of adventures of our own to look forward to this summer.
• a job to go back to when school starts up again.
• my health (for the most part) and my family's health.
• time to give back to my various communities.

I will not forget that I do have blessings to count.  I must try to remember to say "Great!" next time someone asks me how I'm doing.

Tuning out the NOISE

Ever feel like you can’t get one thing done before you start something else?  Like a project or a task at home?  I recently had this experience:

I went to the kitchen to get myself a cup of coffee.  But my favorite mug still had the dregs from the cup of coffee I had earlier that morning, so I went to the sink to rinse it out.  But there were some dishes in there left from breakfast, so I decided to get them done since I was there anyway.  As I was doing those dishes, the dish soap dispenser ran out of dish soap, so I had to refill it.  As I was getting the jug of dish soap out to refill the dispenser, I saw that we were out of sponges and ziplock baggies (since I keep those in the same cabinet as the dish soap).  So I looked for a notepad to start a list for shopping.  When I found the notepad, I saw my to-do list from the previous day.  I added “start an Amazon order for kitchen supplies” to the to-do list.  Suddenly I remembered that I had gotten an email from Amazon the day before about my monthly subscription order that needed to be reviewed.  I decided to pull up that tab on my computer so that I wouldn’t forget to do it the next time I sat down at the computer.  When I pulled up the subscription order up, I saw that coffee beans were the first thing on the list.

And that’s when I realized that 20 minutes had passed since I had walked into the kitchen to get that elusive cup of coffee.  The noise in my brain led me off the path.

This happens to me all the time online.  I try to focus on my email, but there are links to follow, to read through, which usually contains even more links to click through.  Link after link, like a wild goose chase….and suddenly it’s 40 minutes later and I’ve only gotten rid of 1-2 emails!  

This happens to me when I’m writing too. I start to write a blog post and I realize that I need to look up something or do a bit of research.  Or I want to find out if anyone else has written about the topic that I’m writing about.  Google searching is the worst - so many links to follow!!

Don’t even get me started on the time I sink into Facebook or Instagram or Twitter!

I mentioned this to my husband, Chris, the other day.  How I want to write more, want to start freelancing, and just need to do it.  Chris suggested that we start turning off the internet for an hour each evening to work on our projects without the lure of the Internet.  He has projects he wants to tackle too.  Our kids may have issues with it, or maybe they’ll take that time to work on their own projects.  I think we’ll try this after I get back from my trip.

Speaking of my trip, he also suggested that I take the time on my 5 hour flight to NYC to just write since I wasn’t springing for the Wifi on the plane.  And guess what?  It worked.  This was one of the posts I wrote on the plane without the Internet noise to distract me.  And I’ve gotten about 3 other posts started and almost finished.  Why almost?  Because my mind started to spit out all these topics I wanted to write about!  All these topics that have been bubbling inside started to spill out and I felt like I had to write what was coming out otherwise I’d forget those ideas.  Still noise, but at least it all has to do with writing.

Sometimes, you really have to consciously turn down the external noise so you can hear your internal voice speak. 

Adventures in drinking water

One of the things I wanted to work on for the first quarter of the new year was to drink more water.  While I don't do New Year's Resolutions, I do like to pick a habit to work on.  It doesn't always happen though.  I'm not the best at setting myself up for success.

But still, I try.   On February 1st, I posted my goal which was to drink 32 ounces of water a day.  That's just two regular plastic water bottles worth (16.9 ounces each).  That's can't be that hard, right?  I know I could polish off a water bottle during a meeting, so I thought, one bottle during the morning at work, and one during the afternoon driving the kids around.  And I got so much encouragement from friends on Facebook and in real life.  I was buoyed by the enthusiasm.  Some even said they would do it with me!  And lots of suggestions on how to make it work.

For instance, one suggestion is to have a water bottle with me at all times.  Whether it is refillable or not, I should have water with me all the time.  I was doing that at the beginning of my endeavor.  The first couple of days, I was doing great!  Then one day I left my water bottle at work.  That's ok, I thought, I will try again the next day.  The next day, I left it in the car - and it was a hot day.  I even had a favorite water bottle...which I left somewhere and lost.

Another suggestion was to drink flavored water if I don't like plain.  My issue with that was when I left it in that hot car.  Ew.  Plain is ok warm, flavored is not.  Besides, plain water is ok, as long as it's cold.

Then someone suggested that I use an app to track my water consumption.  I got 3 different app suggestions.  So now, I have 4 different apps that roughly do the same thing that I don't use.

Well, that's it!  I'm going to try it again!  I just opened up one of my apps (which I don't like now because it doesn't have a way to post to Facebook - WTH?).  I just drank 8 ounces from a water bottle. If at first you don't succeed, write a blog post about it, and try, try again!

It takes work...

If things are going to be different, it's going to take some work.

Two weeks into the new year, and I'm back into the thinking that things have to be different simply because it's a new year.  Well, that's the kind of thinking that leads to depression about being in a rut.  I know because in the past, right around the new year, I would get down on the fact that the more things change, the more they stay the same.  Every year, we make resolutions (or resolve to not make them!) and then by mid January (for me anyway) things go back to being the same as before.  It's as though we think that just because a number changed on the calendar, things will change because we simply will it.

Well, that's not how it works.  It's only taken me 43 years to be able to articulate this.

Something else I've learned and see the wisdom of:  breaking things down into steps and smaller goals to be able to tackle them.  Of course, there are all sorts of other blogs, coaches, self-help books to tell you this.  And I have read quite a few of them, have some of those books on my shelves.  I know this fact...but it doesn't mean it automatically translates into following said advice.

I also know of the advice of declaring to the world what your goals are and that is supposed to be some sort of pressure to keep trying.  By sharing goals with others, they are supposed to keep you accountable.  Been there, done that, too.

But, doesn't mean I shouldn't try it again.  So here goes:

My goal this year is to get back to writing and update this blog more often. I think every other week would be great, but the ultimate goal is to write once a week.

The long term purpose for this is to write for a living.  To be paid to write, which is what I really love to do.

You'd think that if I loved it so much, I'd do it more.  I don't know why I don't.  I claim I don't have time.  And yet, I have the time to keep up with my favorite TV shows.  Really that's my downtime though.  I get home from work or meetings and plop down on the couch and turn on the TV.  I need to just grab my laptop and write before I do that.

So dear readers (all 5 of you, haha!), if it occurs to you, shoot me a message to encourage me to write.  Especially if I haven't posted in more than a week.

After all, isn't that the point of publicly sharing my goals with the world?  See, it's all up to you, really.

;-p