What's the big deal about Political Correctness?

What does being "Politically Correct" mean?  According to Merriam-Webster Online, it means "conforming to a belief that language and practices which could offend political sensibilities (as in matters of sex or race) should be eliminated"

I got into an argument with a "friend" on Facebook a few days ago and it didn't end well.  He was livid about having to be politically correct about the word "fag".  In his view, it used to mean "asshole" and why can't it still be used that way.

Guess what?  Times change.  People are living more authentically and out loud, regardless of who knows, and minorities are not just sitting down and shutting up.  They are learning that their place is no longer in silence or in the back of the bus or in the closet.  Those in power (and as a generalization that was straight, white, and male) could do and say whatever they wanted with very little regard to consequence.  They were allowed to also dole out consequences to people who would do and say things they didn't like.

Now, while there are still plenty of consequences for minorities and other groups to do and say what they want, but there is also more expectation that there be consequences for the previously-in-power when they say or do something that violates another person's well-being.  And they don't like that.  Hence their anger towards what they call Political Correctness.  Apparently we (liberals, minorities) are "snowflakes" when we want to be treated equality or with kindness or to have our very existence simply accepted.

I saw this online by Michael Bernard, a writer on HuffPost, Slate, and other such sites:
"Pro-tip: whenever someone is moaning about political correctness, ask them what it is they would like to say if they weren’t constrained. Then don’t be surprised if it is demeaning, derogatory or disrespectful to people who traditionally were considered inferior to the person."

Honestly, this is pretty spot on.  Political correctness isn't supposed to be about stifling freedom of expression.  It IS about acknowledging that there are others out there who are different from us and who deserve the same level of respect and acceptance as those who are traditionally allowed to simply live their life.

I think that a lot of opponents of political correctness don't quite understand it.  Here's a great example of this: 

It's not politically incorrect to say those things in a home and I don't believe that the majority of the left or politically correct crowd believes that any of these things are inherently wrong to say.  Someone said "Merry Christmas" to me the other day and I said it back, even though I am not Christian.  WHOA!  We celebrate it as a day to give gifts - not as a religious holiday.  But when someone said it to me, I said it back.  No big deal.  I say "Happy Holidays" because I acknowledge that there is more than one religion in the world and I live in a religiously-diverse city.  I don't say "God bless the USA" but I don't mind when someone else says - UNLESS it is to mean that no other country can also be blessed.  Tolerance is key - not necessarily acceptance.  There is a difference.

Getting back to the argument online I had, part of my response was that people who oppose using the word "fag" feel that way because of the derogatory nature in which that word is so often used.  The fact that he meant it to mean "asshole" about someone else proved my point right there.  But he didn't see that.  It was just a word, he claimed.  And that's what a lot of opponents of political correctness say - they are just words and people need to toughen up.

And yet:

A day of celebration and faith

It's June 7th and it's a momentous day for a few reasons. 

1. It's my parents' 48th wedding anniversary!

Happy 48th wedding anniversary to my parents, seen here
with Damian at Woodbury University.

2. Damian is graduating from high school!

I've already cried twice today and it's only 9:30am. 

A very sweet and dear teacher friend was telling me today about how she admired me and the ways in which I support my children.  Her own kids are grown up and she has grandkids so she said she has the gift of experience and wanted to tell me how she was so proud of me and Chris.  She sees that we will be reaping the rewards of our efforts today with our kids and she understands how hard it can be and empathized with me having to let Damian take a different path than what I had envisioned for him.  Mrs. B. totally made me cry in the middle of class. She and I have always had amazing conversations and I just love her so much.

A word that kept coming up over and over in my mind was FAITH.  I have a MyIntent bracelet with that word on it.  I chose that word because I sometimes have to remind myself that I need to keep faith that things will work out the way that is best for all involved, specifically my children.  Today, specifically for Damian. 

What a wild ride the last 4 years have been.  But with all those ups and downs, all those times I was worried about him and wondering how he would navigate this world which can be extremely cruel and unfair to the LGBTQ community and especially to the Transgender community, all those times of doubt about whether I was doing the right thing...it all lead up to this moment of him this morning before going off to his last day of school:

June 7, 2018 - Last Day of High School!

He's handsome, confident, and happy.  He's excited about his future at Woodbury University. As my teacher friend said, he is mental and emotional ready to take on this world.  What a gift his presence has been in our lives!  I can't imagine him any other way.  I feel as though I have really gotten to know him after his transition.  It's a blessing that he was so brave and felt safe enough to come out to us and live his authentic life.  

Damn I am just so PROUD of this kid!  More pics coming after tonight's graduation!

August 15, 2017 - First Day of Senior Year.

Two weeks left in Summer 2017

Nadia and Damian at LA Pride

Graduation memories!

I end each school year with the idea that I'm going to get so much done around the house in the summer months.  But my house is as crazy as ever.  June went by in a blur - Nadia graduated from middle school.  I remember that the Girl Scout troop met a couple of times (tour of NPR West and a Patrol Challenge day) and Nadia spent a lot of time with friends she's leaving from middle school and we went to the LA Pride parade and we had a bunch of doctor check ups (just your regular yearly exams)...

But July!  July was a busy but pretty great month.  We started off with a fabulous family vacation.  It's the one week of the summer that Chris has off from work so we took advantage.  First, we went to Arrowhead on our annual 4th of July trip with The Five Families aka the Playgroup Families.  These are four other families who we've know for over 17 years now - kids were a part of our MOMS Club playgroup with Damian.  Anyway, every 4th of July we go to a house in Arrowhead that is owned by one of the families and they generously invite us all.  We always have a grand time on the lake. 

Summer fun on the lake.

It's a summer tradition - one that hopefully will continue for a long time.  We were there from June 30th (Friday night) until July 4th (Tuesday).  Then we drove from Arrowhead to Pine Mountain Lake just outside of Yosemite for the rest of the week.  My in-laws' friends have a lake house up there which, again, they generously invited us (and a bunch of other families) to come and relax.  Driving from Arrowhead to PML took us about 9 hours in total but I'm so glad we did it.  The rest of the week was of good food, lots of wine, swimming, and playing cards.  We taught Damian and Nadia how to play poker and they both actually came away with some cash winnings!  We left PML to come back home on Saturday July 8th.  That was quite the ride back!  It was 104 degrees or something insane like that and our AC in the car didn't work for half the ride back!  We had to stop more than we wanted to so that we could go inside an air conditioned restaurant to cool down.  It was early evening when the temp dropped to 93 degrees when the AC decided to kick in!  Oh how we cheered!

July 7th was also important because it was the one year anniversary of Damian coming out to the world.  A full year of Living Authentically.  It was also the anniversary of my full acceptance of him - calling him Damian, using male pronouns all the time.  So much has happened in the past year.  We informed his school of his transition.  He went on T shots.  He cut his hair to fully represent who he is.  We had a big family gathering during the week of Thanksgiving for a wedding and he was fully and completely accepted by my extended family.  He seems so much more at ease with who he is and living that way out loud.  He continues to awe me with his strength.

This is not to say that I still don't struggle with this.  I do.  Facebook's feature "On This Day" is an almost constant reminder of his past and what I used to have.  But I've changed - before I would have said "what I lost".  But I've come to realize that I didn't lose anything.  I now have a child who is more and more comfortable with who he truly is.  I thought I knew my child before.  But I'm learning that I am only now getting to know his true self and he's amazing.

Facetiming with Nadia

Back to our July - the week after we got back from our family vacation was busy with getting Nadia ready to leave for the Bolshoi Ballet summer intensive.  I handled it better than last year, but was still a bit of a mess.  Last minute shopping and packing and making sure she was ready for her flights and navigating a taxi by herself in Hartford....oh, and getting ready for the Girl Scout Twilight Camp (a day camp) which I was volunteering at the following week.  AHHHHH!

So Nadia left on July 15th to Washington DC, staying overnight with my wonderful uncle and cousin, then got on another flight from DC to Hartford on July 16th.  Bit of a delay in Hartford as the taxi company was awful and didn't send a taxi for about 1 1/2 hours.  But luckily she had someone to wait with at the airport....all's well that ends well.  She got settled in (got her own room too!) and started the intensive on July 17th.

Friends from Twilight Camp

Which was the start of Twilight Camp for me.  It's a day camp run by volunteers and Girl Scout counselors.  Remember how I said I still struggle with Damian's transition?  Well, we fought about him going to Twilight Camp.  I know, he's not a girl so why did I fight about him going to Girl Scout camp?  For me, it was mostly about him being with friends he's known forever.  It's his last year - next year he'll be 18 and he would be an adult.  It was about closing out a chapter in his life.  Really, that's it.  I admit I was being selfish.  It's things like this that make me think about the past and what I thought was real.  We fought, but we compromised and he came for 2 days.  I appreciate his ability to compromise with me on things like this.

Getting Senior Portraits done

Finally the last full week of July.  Several things happened.  On Monday, Damian took his Senior portraits!  His last year of high school has begun.  Then, we filed the paperwork in the courts to make Damian's name and gender change legal.  Again...internally I struggle with this, but I do accept that this is the next step.  Should have done this earlier, but I just didn't.  But we have a court date!  September 8th.

The other big thing last week was our first doctor consultation for "top" surgery.

I paused here for a few minutes while writing this because this is emotional for me.  It's hard to process and express what I'm feeling.  After the appointment, I was surprised at what I felt.  I felt ok.  Relaxed.  It hit me again - what is happening is true and real because there is no way that someone would put themselves through all the pain and turmoil and headache of living as the gender that is opposite your assigned-at-birth one. I'll write more about this and the legal stuff later when I've had a bit more time to process it.

Today is July 31st.  The end of a eventful month.  Tomorrow starts another eventful month.  Tomorrow, August 1st, Damian and I leave for NYC and Hartford to pick up Nadia from Bolshoi.  I get the excitement of showing Damian NYC for the first time and then spending the weekend there with both of my kids.  I wish Chris was coming, but he's working as usual.  Then we get back, just in time for Nadia's high school orientation and Damian's senior orientation.  Off on another adventure!

New Year, New You.....

I haven't made New Year's resolutions in quite a few years and I probably won't be making them this year (I haven't so far).  But the new year does seem like a good time to make a start on something big - and we certainly did that in January 2016.

At this time last January, we were unaware of the unbelievable journey we were about to embark on with Damian.  He was still Maya back then.  Then one day, I think it was January 16, 2016 turned out to be January 28, 2016, he called a family meeting.  That was odd, because usually it's me doing that and not received with excitement.  He was very nervous and Nadia was by his side, encouraging him and saying it was going to be alright. I fully thought that he was going to come out as a lesbian that night.  I was prepared for that and completely at ease with that thought.  But when he said he's questioning his gender...I didn't know what that meant at all!  The word transgender was foreign in meaning to me.  I've heard of it before, of course.  I'd seen it in the media, read about Caitlyn Jenner, reacted to the bathroom laws in North Carolina.  But I didn't REALLY know what it all meant.  My first thought was, "What do you mean you don't know if you're a girl??" The thing is, Damian was easing us into this announcement.  In reality, he knew what was happening to him.  But he told us that he wanted help in figuring out what he was thinking.  He was trying soften the revelation that the girl we knew really didn't exist.

So we started on a journey that was lonely at first.  Especially for me, I didn't know who to talk to about the crazy feelings I was going through.  Chris seemed to have accepted it right away.  I didn't want to give any impression to Damian that I wasn't supportive of this.  I didn't want to ask "are you sure?"  But how can a parent not think that?  It seems like such a huge decision for a 15 year old (at the time) to come to this conclusion.

But oh how much I've learned since then - lots of transgender people transition when they are much much younger.  As young as 4 and 5 years old! I had no idea and that was a shocker to me.  That seemed way too young, but who am I to know what is going on inside another human being's head?

So, Damian asked for help.  He asked to see a gender therapist, stating at the time, that he didn't know what all these feelings of not wanting to present as a girl meant.  So, we started doing research.  Well, Chris and I started, because Damian had already started researching stuff about 6-9 months before he came out to us.  He had started following people on various social media outlets who had gone through or were going through transitioning.  He had started looking up what to do next and where to go.  We found a great family support group close by to us.  We went to our first meeting in February, just about 3 weeks after Damian came out to us.

I don't think that Damian made the announcement in January just because it was the beginning of the year.  It just happened to work out that way.  But if someone had told me back then that in a year I would have a son and be comfortable with that, well, I would have thought that person was crazy.  So much has changed - my attitude towards the whole thing being the biggest thing.  But we've come out to our families, to our friends, to the world.  I have done a lot of reading (though still not enough) and come to understand what transgender means.  I am using the name he chose (which was SO HARD!) and using male pronouns.  It feels weird to say "Maya" now.

Oh, what a difference a year makes!