What's Making Me Happy This Week.

1. Girl Scout Cookie season ended one week before the shut down in Los Angeles!
2. A Facebook group that had a online happy hour last Wednesday evening.  We had 35-40 people on at one point...and the happy hour lasted 3 hours!  It helped me fight the funk for another day.
3. Walking by Nadia's room one afternoon and hearing her practicing her ukelele.
4. Damian stretching.
5. Puzzles.

Hi, I'm Priya and I'm an Obliger.

I've been listening to a podcast called Happier by Gretchen Rubin.  There are days where it is so much better for my mind to listen to this podcast than listen to the other podcast that I tend to listen to in the mornings, The Daily by the New York Times.  Sometimes the news is just too overwhelming for me and I decide that I need Happier instead.

Well, I love it.  There are so many little tips and tricks and I love the banter between Gretchen and her sister, Elizabeth.  They talk about so many things, and one of those things are Gretchen's books and her research into happiness.  One of her books is The Four Tendencies and it talks about the four personality tendencies of people: Obliger, Upholder, Questioner, and Rebel.  I'm an Obliger - I follow through on expectations of others, but rarely follow my own expectations or desires of myself. 

SO. TRUE.

Anyway, more on that later.  I'm going through a course about this and am really enjoying it so far.  But one of the quotes that I really love and really want to remember a lot in my life is the one above. 

Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.  Apparently it was first said by Voltaire. 

I do this a lot.  I don't start new things or I don't follow through on a project because I want it to be perfect.  So I research it to death and then get so overwhelmed and end up not starting it or quitting halfway.  Here's an example:

About a month or so ago, I discovered Bullet Journaling.  I posted about it on Facebook as a way to remember it and see if anyone else does it.  It's basically a personalized way to journal...a way that is supposed to be quick and easy. 

Well, I haven't started it yet.  I finally have a format I want to follow (after checking out dozens of other people's formats and templates), and I finally have a journal that I want to use (an A5 6-ring binder so that I can print out the templates I want for a truly customized journal).  Now, I'm waiting for a 6-ring hole punch so that I can finally put those pages in.

And yet, one of my friends saw my post, ordered the most recommended journal on Amazon, got herself a great pen, and just dove right in.

*hangs head in shame*

Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

Taking Stock: Fall 2017

In doing some research about Bullet Journaling, I came across this list on www.meatmeetsmike.com that many seem to use in Bullet Journaling.  I thought it would be a good way to end 2017 on my blog since I haven't posted since September.

September?!?! Honestly where has the time gone? I have thought of many topics to write about but just haven't done it.  I really want to change that but I'm not sure what the best recourse for that would be for me.  Two schools of thought: schedule it out once a week or even once a month or go all in with a sentence or two every day.

I'll get back to that in a bit to decide.

For now, taking stock of Fall 2017:

Making: Small efforts here and there.
Cooking: Curry.
Drinking: Wine.
Reading: What Happened? by Hillary Clinton; I am Malala by Malala Yousafzai. Also, A World History of Photography by Naomi Rosenblum for my History of Photography class at LAVC.
Next Read: Daughters of the Night Sky by Aimie K Runyan.
Wanting: A less cluttered home.
Looking: A bit more overweight. 😔
Playing: Gummy Drop!
Deciding: To start paying attention, real attention, to my health.
Wishing: For a society that didn't allow racism out in the open.
Enjoying: My children loving each other and being each other's best friends.
Waiting: For Trump to be impeached.
Liking: My electricity bill after we got the solar panels installed.
Wondering: About Damian's future who has been applying to colleges this Fall!
Loving: That Nadia loves her new high school!
Pondering: Small ways to improve our lives.
Considering: How to pay off some bills.
Buying: Amazon's Echo and automating our house.
Watching: Finished Firefly and all 7 seasons of The West Wing with Nadia!
Next watch: The Crown!
Hoping: To be a little less angry in 2018.
Marvelling: At the persistence of people in the fight for equality.
Cringing: At the persistence of the people in the fight for inequality.
Needing: To believe that things will right themselves in the coming years.
Questioning: How the time flew by and I have two kids in high school!
Smelling: Whatever candle I'm burning from Candles By Ari. 💟 I'm getting into the habit of burning a candle everyday if I'm home for an extended period of time.  I find that the gentle (and sometimes not-so-gentle) smells relax me.
Wearing: Comfy clothes.
Following: A bunch of new people on Instagram.  This past week, I've started looking into Bullet Journaling (as I said at the top).  It's supposed to be easy and simple - but too many people make it all fancy and pretty and Pinterest-y and that overwhelmed me earlier this year.  
Noticing: My hair needs to be colored again.  Sometimes I wonder if I should just accept it and let it go all gray naturally.  This in-between stage sucks though.
Knowing: That I need to make an effort to take care of myself.  I let myself go this Fall and my recent check up showed that.  
Thinking: About how much we did over the past 3 months.  September, we got Damian's name and gender legally changed.  October, Chris and I celebrated 23 years of marriage.  Also, my car died on the freeway during rush hour traffic, but the part that died was still under warranty!  So, STRESS and then not so much stress.  November, Damian got his first college acceptance letter! And he finished a couple of his other college applications.  And Nadia had a couple of shows/recitals.  She is thriving.
Admiring: Countries that have their health care systems in order.  Sure it may be a long wait to get surgery or something like that, but if I feel the need to not take my medication as often as I should because I need to make it last because of the damn health insurance, then me needing something more invasive will become inevitable.  Preventative care is the way to go - and that should be accessible to everyone.
Sorting: Through old clothes and things in the house.  We have too much stuff and I don't want it anymore.
Getting: To the point where I might just have to accept that we will never retire and travel the world.
Bookmarking: My doctor's patient portal so that it is staring me in the face so I check in with her often.
Coveting: Peace.  Really, that's all I want.  I don't need to be rich - just want the stress of things like credit cards, healthcare bills, and expensive surprises to go away.  And if those things went away, the income both Chris and I have now would be enough.  On top of it all, stress of looming college bills.
Disliking: That I have to gall to complain about all that when we have a roof over our head, food on the table, and our (relatively good) health.
Opening: All the mail every day.  I am making the decision to open all the mail every day so that I stop letting it pile up and get overwhelmed by the unopened mail.
Giggling: At the antics of Andy on Parks & Rec.  Damian and Chris quoted him to me earlier today when I was talking about going to the doctor and getting all the tests done.  There was an episode where Andy had to go to the doctor and had so much wrong with him.  But it was hilarious and I was giggling way past the time when they quoted him to me.  
Feeling: Good about the fact that I went to the doctor yesterday and have a plan to get myself back under control.
Snacking: NO!  I need to stop snacking - this is why I'm in the situation I'm in right now!  But last night I was snacking on Gorgonzola crackers from Trader's Joe.  Yum.
Hearing: Don and Paulette's dog barking.  But I like that right now because that means that it is warm enough outside to have our door open.  I know that the rest of the country is having some severe cold weather right now, so I'm thankful for what we have here in Southern California.

This was harder than I thought it would be to fill in all of these items.  

It takes a village...sniff, sniff

So, everyone has been sick in the house for the past 2-3 weeks except me.  I wasn't so worried because usually I don't catch whatever is going around.  I don't have the time to be sick (really, who does?) but it seems to be by sheer will that I fight the sicknesses off.

Until today.

Woke up this morning with a sore throat.  Ok, I've done that before without anything developing.  So, I gargled a bit, had a protein smoothie with fruit, had a banana during my break at school (which I normally don't do but there were leftover bananas from Breakfast in the Classroom).  Sipped on water all day long.  But I steadily got worse.  When I left work, my cold was full-blown.  Runny nose, stuffy head, headache, body aches (maybe even a slight fever?).

I came straight home and collapsed on the bed and posted a woe-is-me status on Facebook.  And within 30 minutes, 13 people had given me some kind of sympathy.  A couple had offered to bring me stuff if I needed something and my neighbor said she was going to drop off some cold medicine when she gets home from her work (this is in response to my post in which I said that we ran out of cold medicine because of Chris, Damian, and Nadia already having been sick before me).

As I was laying in bed typing this, I was thinking about how Damian is at a tennis match and won't know when he's done and Nadia has to get to her ballet class by 6pm (yay for my inlaws who are taking her to ballet!) and Chris is teaching over the hill so will be home late and I just want to sleep.  We know how much havoc a sick mom can cause on a household. And my village of moms out there totally get me.  

All this cheered me up.  After laying on the bed for a bit longer, I decided that what I needed was tea and honey.  I think I ended up putting a bit too much honey in my tea, but it was still good.  What was NOT good was sneezing 3 times in a row with the cup of hot tea in my hand, but at least I didn't burn myself!

I needed to use my Wonder Woman mug for my tea and honey.  I needed the strength. And the tall mug so I don't spill on myself every time I sneeze.

Ok, now I'm rambling a bit.  Anyway, the point of this quick blog post is that my village came through for me.  Not because of what people offered to do or did for me, but because when I posted that woe-is-me status, I got the sympathy that I needed to make me feel just a little bit better.  

Thank you.

Tuning out the NOISE

Ever feel like you can’t get one thing done before you start something else?  Like a project or a task at home?  I recently had this experience:

I went to the kitchen to get myself a cup of coffee.  But my favorite mug still had the dregs from the cup of coffee I had earlier that morning, so I went to the sink to rinse it out.  But there were some dishes in there left from breakfast, so I decided to get them done since I was there anyway.  As I was doing those dishes, the dish soap dispenser ran out of dish soap, so I had to refill it.  As I was getting the jug of dish soap out to refill the dispenser, I saw that we were out of sponges and ziplock baggies (since I keep those in the same cabinet as the dish soap).  So I looked for a notepad to start a list for shopping.  When I found the notepad, I saw my to-do list from the previous day.  I added “start an Amazon order for kitchen supplies” to the to-do list.  Suddenly I remembered that I had gotten an email from Amazon the day before about my monthly subscription order that needed to be reviewed.  I decided to pull up that tab on my computer so that I wouldn’t forget to do it the next time I sat down at the computer.  When I pulled up the subscription order up, I saw that coffee beans were the first thing on the list.

And that’s when I realized that 20 minutes had passed since I had walked into the kitchen to get that elusive cup of coffee.  The noise in my brain led me off the path.

This happens to me all the time online.  I try to focus on my email, but there are links to follow, to read through, which usually contains even more links to click through.  Link after link, like a wild goose chase….and suddenly it’s 40 minutes later and I’ve only gotten rid of 1-2 emails!  

This happens to me when I’m writing too. I start to write a blog post and I realize that I need to look up something or do a bit of research.  Or I want to find out if anyone else has written about the topic that I’m writing about.  Google searching is the worst - so many links to follow!!

Don’t even get me started on the time I sink into Facebook or Instagram or Twitter!

I mentioned this to my husband, Chris, the other day.  How I want to write more, want to start freelancing, and just need to do it.  Chris suggested that we start turning off the internet for an hour each evening to work on our projects without the lure of the Internet.  He has projects he wants to tackle too.  Our kids may have issues with it, or maybe they’ll take that time to work on their own projects.  I think we’ll try this after I get back from my trip.

Speaking of my trip, he also suggested that I take the time on my 5 hour flight to NYC to just write since I wasn’t springing for the Wifi on the plane.  And guess what?  It worked.  This was one of the posts I wrote on the plane without the Internet noise to distract me.  And I’ve gotten about 3 other posts started and almost finished.  Why almost?  Because my mind started to spit out all these topics I wanted to write about!  All these topics that have been bubbling inside started to spill out and I felt like I had to write what was coming out otherwise I’d forget those ideas.  Still noise, but at least it all has to do with writing.

Sometimes, you really have to consciously turn down the external noise so you can hear your internal voice speak. 

I am not alone in my mommy fears

I recently posted a very whiny post on Facebook.  Looking back at it, I complained about going a little crazy with the thought of sending my youngest across the country to a summer intensive for ballet.  This is my 12 year old, I'm talking about!  The one who leaves her phone on the kitchen counter and then freaks out when she can't find it (because she can't seem to retrace her steps to save her life).

Granted, she's never done the whole looking-for-her-phone-while-talking-on-it thing that I've maybe or maybe not done.  I'll never admit to it.

Anyway, I posted about how scared I was about sending my daughter on a plane by herself to NYC.  And I posted about it again.  And then counting down the days.  And finally one last post about it.  Then I got the response: RELAX.  That I worry too much.

Perhaps I do.  I see lots of parents sending their kids off to summer camp for weeks, off to visit family without them, off to travel by themselves.  But...this is the first time for me with Nadia, the first time this far away (she's going to NYC and Connecticut), and the first time for this long (3 1/2 weeks).

I've talked with friends when the kids were much younger about what would you do if they were given chances to study abroad, get picked to play/compete/dance with a big name in the event their talent was discovered at a young age.  Would you encourage your child to take the leap, possibly giving up their childhood, freedom, making them leave home early to pursue their chosen field?  This chance that Nadia has been given by Bolshoi was a very very small example of that.  Extremely small tip of the iceberg for us.  But we've already been asked if we'd be willing to let her to go Moscow to study if the chance was given.  We've been told that we should seriously consider sending her to high school in NYC if dance is really her passion.  We're not close to making those decisions yet, but those discussions have come up.  And it's scary to think about the ramifications of a decision like that.  How do you weigh growing up surrounded by family against a rare chance to fulfill a dream at a tender age?  Thankfully, that discussion is left for another day (and another blog post).

So, getting back to my Facebook posts and the point of this post.  Yes, I know I should relax.  Yes, I know I shouldn't worry so much.  And yet, I am a mother and that is what I do.  And I know I'm not alone.  So many other mommy friends chimed in to say that they understood.

"worry is natural.  Don't feel guilty about it."

"Even though it's going to turn out great...it's still BRUTAL AND GUT-WRENCHING!!"

"It's ok to feel like this.  Sending you lots of love and hugs!"

I didn't stop worrying but I didn't feel alone anymore.  And that's pretty huge.  I'm not the only one feeling this way - wanting to send my little birdie off into the world to pursue her dream but also wanting to keep her at home, with us, sleeping in during summer vacation, keeping her a kid for just one more year.

Thanks, mommy-friends, for easing the struggle a little bit.  It helps to know that I'm not alone in my uncertainty, my fear, my anxiety.

<3

#BolshoiSummerIntensive #mommyanxiety #raisingdaughters

Too Much To Do....

I think I’m running my kids ragged.  

There never seems to be a break.  There is never time to just sleep in.  I had to tell Nadia to take a day off from school to sleep today.  Luckily she’s a great student and can afford the day off, but is one day off enough when she starts up at her break-neck speed the very next day?  I’ve done the same for Maya too, but it’s harder now that she’s in high school.  She’s not into as many activities though - her stress has come from school itself.

But it’s not me who is forcing all the activities onto Nadia.  I’m the one trying to get her to slow down, to drop activities (all of which she loves, by the way).  At one point in the past year, she had an activity on every day of the week.  This semester, she’s down to 5 days a week mainly because we are trying to cut back on some expenses.  

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So, I wrote the above part of this post on February 10, 2016.  I think the fact that I am just now finishing it speaks to the topic of this post!

Anyway, I’m prompted to finish this post now because this past week was our Spring Break.  And we did nothing.  And I really mean NOTHING.  We didn’t go anywhere, we didn’t plan anything, I didn’t try to wake the girls up in the morning.  Nadia still had ballet Tuesday through Saturday and Maya still had her night art class at LAVC (Los Angeles Valley College), but other than that...NOTHING.  We binge-watched tv shows, we went for walks, we watched movies, Maya drew (a lot, which was great for her - thanks to her teachers who gave her no homework over Spring Break).  

I tried to get them to go out to explore the city a bit, but they weren’t willing to leave the house if they didn’t have to.  Personally I got a little stir crazy, and I am usually the one clamoring to go out and have fun, but both of my girls were perfectly content to lounge around at home for a full week and not do a damn thing.  They didn’t even call friends to set up sleepovers which is usually what happens when we have a break from school.  Although Maya did go to the movies with a friend from school to see Deadpool for the 3rd time.

And of course, now, I’m looking around the house, my still-messy house, and feeling guilty about the fact that I also did nothing.  I did organize some things for my various activities throughout the week, but over all, I spent the week with my family taking a break from the world.  

When suggesting that we go out somewhere, anywhere, Maya asked me why. She said that they are happy to stay at home, to work on fun projects (like her drawing), or to watch hours of tv with me.  Why should we go somewhere when we are perfectly happy to be at home together?

Why, indeed.  Sometimes we really do need time to just do nothing.  And I need to let myself enjoy that because the time is fleeting - this week went by so fast.  I need to remember that my family WANTS to be together at home...I am so blessed to have that.

I'm a terrible housewife

This is my house right now.  It's a freaking mess.  And it does bother me, but I guess not enough that I feel the urgent need to do anything about it at the moment.  Instead, let me take a picture and share!  Kinda like the moms who take pictures of their crying/screaming kids and share those.  Oh, wait, I've done that too.

Friday, after work, I came home and met up with another Girl Scout leader who was picking up Girl Scout Cookies from me.  I walked in the door with her and this was the scene that greeted us.  I usually would instantly say "don't mind my house, it's such a mess" but I found myself not apologizing.  Later, Chris (my husband for those of you who don't know) was teasing me about walking in the front door and sighing really loudly even in the middle of talking to someone else.  My family frequently teases me about my sighing.  I do it unconsciously and loudly apparently.  When my girls were little, Chris would ask them "what does a doggy say?" and they would answer "Woof!".  "What does a kitty say?" "Meow!" "What does a mommy say?" They would sigh really loudly.

Ha, ha, very funny.  *sigh*

Anyway, I was a bit defensive because I responded "Well, maybe it's because I come home and see all the shit I have to do!".

And then I proceeded to get lunch and sit down at the equally messy table that houses my laptop to check email.  My laptop which, coincidentally, has 20 tabs open because I seem to have adult-onset ADD.  Again, messy.

What's funny (or ironic, you pick) is that I belong to Facebook groups about clearing up clutter and getting your finances in order and "fast" healthy recipes that I should be cooking for my family every night.  I guess I like seeing progress that other people are making...or I like torturing myself.  Probably both.

I'm getting to the point where I just don't care who sees my house in this state (although I'm definitely NOT sharing a picture of my kitchen!).  Maybe it's just that I've given up on having that picture-perfect house.  Maybe it's because I would rather come home after a long week and plop down on the couches with my family and watch our weekly run of TV shows we love instead of cleaning.  (In case you were wondering, currently those are The Flash, Arrow, Legends of Tomorrow, and Agent Carter.)

Or maybe it's so I have something kinda interesting to blog about!

Mommy is slightly lost.

Getting back to me is hard.  I've been "Mommy" for so long (15 years already!) that I sometimes forget what I was interested in before I had kids.  Hobbies I'm known for now - scrapbooking, volunteering, crochet - I picked up that stuff after the kids came along.  I read a lot more before, I think.  The perfect date night with my husband, Chris, was dinner, coffee, bookstore until midnight.  We miss Borders Bookstores.  Um, I worked a lot.  But then again, I had a full-time job outside of the home.  I played a lot of video games with my husband.  We still sometimes do that, but now we have to involve the girls.

I liked to write.  I got a journalism and international relations degree in college.  I have an opinion about the Oxford Comma.  (Yes, in case you were wondering.)  So, that is what I am returning to.  Writing.  Slowly.  Oh, so slowly.

This is a start.