Drifting...

 

I'm drifting.  

What is “drift”? According to Gretchen Rubin, drift is the decision you make by not deciding, or by making a decision that unleashes consequences for which you don’t take responsibility.

There's a great quiz she has to see if you are drifting too.

https://gretchenrubin.com/2011/02/back-by-popular-demand-quz-are-you-drifting/

A little bit everyday...

I don't know what it is about me, but I am not good at doing the things I want to do. I do the things I need to do, I do the things I have to do, I do the things that other people need me to do. But when it comes to doing the things that I want to do, I'm stuck. I have a ton of excuses - I don't have time for fun right now, I need more time to do that thing than I have right now, I'm too tired to get out all the things I need in order to do the thing I want to do (this is mainly with scrapbooking or other crafty things). But one of my favorite excuses is that I need to clean my (house/room/table/desk) before I can do that thing.

So, I have this idea that I should do a little bit everyday. Whether that's clean, declutter, exercise, eat right, crochet, read an actual book, or write, I keep telling myself that I just need 10 to 30 minutes a day to do that thing.

And....well, it's been almost a month already since I posted here.

I'm trying so very hard not to beat myself up over the fact that after a year of staying at home, not a lot has changed in my own personal life. Not having the time was an excuse before...I'm struggling with feeling embarrassed and mad at myself for not taking advantage of the time I've had over the last year.

Can anyone else relate?

I'm not going to question it...

So the last time I wrote in this blog was April 2020 - almost a year ago. I was doing weekly posts about the things that made me happy. But apparently the last time I was happy was April 26, 2020. Well, I could try to analyze this, but I'm not going to question it. It is what it is.

I'm just going to jump back into it.

Restarting...

Starting something is hard...

Restarting something is even harder.

Taking Stock: Fall 2017

In doing some research about Bullet Journaling, I came across this list on www.meatmeetsmike.com that many seem to use in Bullet Journaling.  I thought it would be a good way to end 2017 on my blog since I haven't posted since September.

September?!?! Honestly where has the time gone? I have thought of many topics to write about but just haven't done it.  I really want to change that but I'm not sure what the best recourse for that would be for me.  Two schools of thought: schedule it out once a week or even once a month or go all in with a sentence or two every day.

I'll get back to that in a bit to decide.

For now, taking stock of Fall 2017:

Making: Small efforts here and there.
Cooking: Curry.
Drinking: Wine.
Reading: What Happened? by Hillary Clinton; I am Malala by Malala Yousafzai. Also, A World History of Photography by Naomi Rosenblum for my History of Photography class at LAVC.
Next Read: Daughters of the Night Sky by Aimie K Runyan.
Wanting: A less cluttered home.
Looking: A bit more overweight. 😔
Playing: Gummy Drop!
Deciding: To start paying attention, real attention, to my health.
Wishing: For a society that didn't allow racism out in the open.
Enjoying: My children loving each other and being each other's best friends.
Waiting: For Trump to be impeached.
Liking: My electricity bill after we got the solar panels installed.
Wondering: About Damian's future who has been applying to colleges this Fall!
Loving: That Nadia loves her new high school!
Pondering: Small ways to improve our lives.
Considering: How to pay off some bills.
Buying: Amazon's Echo and automating our house.
Watching: Finished Firefly and all 7 seasons of The West Wing with Nadia!
Next watch: The Crown!
Hoping: To be a little less angry in 2018.
Marvelling: At the persistence of people in the fight for equality.
Cringing: At the persistence of the people in the fight for inequality.
Needing: To believe that things will right themselves in the coming years.
Questioning: How the time flew by and I have two kids in high school!
Smelling: Whatever candle I'm burning from Candles By Ari. 💟 I'm getting into the habit of burning a candle everyday if I'm home for an extended period of time.  I find that the gentle (and sometimes not-so-gentle) smells relax me.
Wearing: Comfy clothes.
Following: A bunch of new people on Instagram.  This past week, I've started looking into Bullet Journaling (as I said at the top).  It's supposed to be easy and simple - but too many people make it all fancy and pretty and Pinterest-y and that overwhelmed me earlier this year.  
Noticing: My hair needs to be colored again.  Sometimes I wonder if I should just accept it and let it go all gray naturally.  This in-between stage sucks though.
Knowing: That I need to make an effort to take care of myself.  I let myself go this Fall and my recent check up showed that.  
Thinking: About how much we did over the past 3 months.  September, we got Damian's name and gender legally changed.  October, Chris and I celebrated 23 years of marriage.  Also, my car died on the freeway during rush hour traffic, but the part that died was still under warranty!  So, STRESS and then not so much stress.  November, Damian got his first college acceptance letter! And he finished a couple of his other college applications.  And Nadia had a couple of shows/recitals.  She is thriving.
Admiring: Countries that have their health care systems in order.  Sure it may be a long wait to get surgery or something like that, but if I feel the need to not take my medication as often as I should because I need to make it last because of the damn health insurance, then me needing something more invasive will become inevitable.  Preventative care is the way to go - and that should be accessible to everyone.
Sorting: Through old clothes and things in the house.  We have too much stuff and I don't want it anymore.
Getting: To the point where I might just have to accept that we will never retire and travel the world.
Bookmarking: My doctor's patient portal so that it is staring me in the face so I check in with her often.
Coveting: Peace.  Really, that's all I want.  I don't need to be rich - just want the stress of things like credit cards, healthcare bills, and expensive surprises to go away.  And if those things went away, the income both Chris and I have now would be enough.  On top of it all, stress of looming college bills.
Disliking: That I have to gall to complain about all that when we have a roof over our head, food on the table, and our (relatively good) health.
Opening: All the mail every day.  I am making the decision to open all the mail every day so that I stop letting it pile up and get overwhelmed by the unopened mail.
Giggling: At the antics of Andy on Parks & Rec.  Damian and Chris quoted him to me earlier today when I was talking about going to the doctor and getting all the tests done.  There was an episode where Andy had to go to the doctor and had so much wrong with him.  But it was hilarious and I was giggling way past the time when they quoted him to me.  
Feeling: Good about the fact that I went to the doctor yesterday and have a plan to get myself back under control.
Snacking: NO!  I need to stop snacking - this is why I'm in the situation I'm in right now!  But last night I was snacking on Gorgonzola crackers from Trader's Joe.  Yum.
Hearing: Don and Paulette's dog barking.  But I like that right now because that means that it is warm enough outside to have our door open.  I know that the rest of the country is having some severe cold weather right now, so I'm thankful for what we have here in Southern California.

This was harder than I thought it would be to fill in all of these items.  

What's really going on?

I was reminded this week that we don't have all the answers.  We never know, completely, what is going on in someone else's life.  People post what they eat, the crafts they make, the places they visit, their accomplishments, their dreams, and sometimes....rarely...the shit they go through.  Notice how most of those things I mentioned was the good stuff.  And it makes sense - we want to show off the ways in which our lives are going well.  We love our kids and want to show off their accomplishments.  We love our spouses and want to shout out about our love and our anniversaries.  We love our families and want to share their birthdays with everyone.  We post that stuff because most of us love attention.  And that's why we post the good stuff so that we get the likes and the hearts and the "congratulations!".

But it leaves us with a very shallow view of each other's lives.  This is the era of Facebook and Instagram.  And so we see all the wonderful things that our friends and family are doing.  But where are the hardships we are all going through?  The chronic illnesses, the divorces, the job losses, the struggles with our kids?  We all suffer through these.  But we are reluctant to share with the world and even sometimes with our own families.  And if we do, we post vaguely about needing prayers or we post to only certain people who we truly trust.  Why?  Are we ashamed?  Are we afraid?  Is it a sign of failure that you had an argument with your 16 year old and you lost your cool and swore at them?

Fuck that shit!

That felt good to say.

Do you know how many people in this world live with chronic illness?  And not only the kind you can see, but illnesses like diabetes (which I have), chronic pain (have that too), high blood pressure, heart disease, mental illness, alcoholism, etc.

Do you know how many people have gone through money problems or job losses?  I'll bet you that you probably know people who have gone on government assistance at some point in their lives but have never talked about it.  We have...sometimes after a job loss, you just can't get right back up on that horse and need a little bit of help.  You gotta do what you gotta do, especially when you have a family, right?

Do you know how many good parents have lost their cool with their kids at some point or another?  I have!  In fact, I suffered from postpartum depression after having my first child and was so depressed and sleep-deprived that my husband had to take the baby away from me because I was not able to handle the crying at all.  I felt like a failure - until I joined a support group and saw just how many other first time mothers felt the same way.

The point for this post is to say that we are all going through shit.  Medical shit. Financial shit.  Relationship shit.  Life is tough, no doubt.  And I talk about some of the stuff I'm going through.  But I am going to try to put more of my real self out there...it's scary as hell but I hope to have people get to know the real me, to be more authentic.

I think the world needs more of that.  After all, how can we have empathy for our fellow human being if we never see others struggle?