I am not alone in my mommy fears

I recently posted a very whiny post on Facebook.  Looking back at it, I complained about going a little crazy with the thought of sending my youngest across the country to a summer intensive for ballet.  This is my 12 year old, I'm talking about!  The one who leaves her phone on the kitchen counter and then freaks out when she can't find it (because she can't seem to retrace her steps to save her life).

Granted, she's never done the whole looking-for-her-phone-while-talking-on-it thing that I've maybe or maybe not done.  I'll never admit to it.

Anyway, I posted about how scared I was about sending my daughter on a plane by herself to NYC.  And I posted about it again.  And then counting down the days.  And finally one last post about it.  Then I got the response: RELAX.  That I worry too much.

Perhaps I do.  I see lots of parents sending their kids off to summer camp for weeks, off to visit family without them, off to travel by themselves.  But...this is the first time for me with Nadia, the first time this far away (she's going to NYC and Connecticut), and the first time for this long (3 1/2 weeks).

I've talked with friends when the kids were much younger about what would you do if they were given chances to study abroad, get picked to play/compete/dance with a big name in the event their talent was discovered at a young age.  Would you encourage your child to take the leap, possibly giving up their childhood, freedom, making them leave home early to pursue their chosen field?  This chance that Nadia has been given by Bolshoi was a very very small example of that.  Extremely small tip of the iceberg for us.  But we've already been asked if we'd be willing to let her to go Moscow to study if the chance was given.  We've been told that we should seriously consider sending her to high school in NYC if dance is really her passion.  We're not close to making those decisions yet, but those discussions have come up.  And it's scary to think about the ramifications of a decision like that.  How do you weigh growing up surrounded by family against a rare chance to fulfill a dream at a tender age?  Thankfully, that discussion is left for another day (and another blog post).

So, getting back to my Facebook posts and the point of this post.  Yes, I know I should relax.  Yes, I know I shouldn't worry so much.  And yet, I am a mother and that is what I do.  And I know I'm not alone.  So many other mommy friends chimed in to say that they understood.

"worry is natural.  Don't feel guilty about it."

"Even though it's going to turn out great...it's still BRUTAL AND GUT-WRENCHING!!"

"It's ok to feel like this.  Sending you lots of love and hugs!"

I didn't stop worrying but I didn't feel alone anymore.  And that's pretty huge.  I'm not the only one feeling this way - wanting to send my little birdie off into the world to pursue her dream but also wanting to keep her at home, with us, sleeping in during summer vacation, keeping her a kid for just one more year.

Thanks, mommy-friends, for easing the struggle a little bit.  It helps to know that I'm not alone in my uncertainty, my fear, my anxiety.

<3

#BolshoiSummerIntensive #mommyanxiety #raisingdaughters

Too Much To Do....

I think I’m running my kids ragged.  

There never seems to be a break.  There is never time to just sleep in.  I had to tell Nadia to take a day off from school to sleep today.  Luckily she’s a great student and can afford the day off, but is one day off enough when she starts up at her break-neck speed the very next day?  I’ve done the same for Maya too, but it’s harder now that she’s in high school.  She’s not into as many activities though - her stress has come from school itself.

But it’s not me who is forcing all the activities onto Nadia.  I’m the one trying to get her to slow down, to drop activities (all of which she loves, by the way).  At one point in the past year, she had an activity on every day of the week.  This semester, she’s down to 5 days a week mainly because we are trying to cut back on some expenses.  

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So, I wrote the above part of this post on February 10, 2016.  I think the fact that I am just now finishing it speaks to the topic of this post!

Anyway, I’m prompted to finish this post now because this past week was our Spring Break.  And we did nothing.  And I really mean NOTHING.  We didn’t go anywhere, we didn’t plan anything, I didn’t try to wake the girls up in the morning.  Nadia still had ballet Tuesday through Saturday and Maya still had her night art class at LAVC (Los Angeles Valley College), but other than that...NOTHING.  We binge-watched tv shows, we went for walks, we watched movies, Maya drew (a lot, which was great for her - thanks to her teachers who gave her no homework over Spring Break).  

I tried to get them to go out to explore the city a bit, but they weren’t willing to leave the house if they didn’t have to.  Personally I got a little stir crazy, and I am usually the one clamoring to go out and have fun, but both of my girls were perfectly content to lounge around at home for a full week and not do a damn thing.  They didn’t even call friends to set up sleepovers which is usually what happens when we have a break from school.  Although Maya did go to the movies with a friend from school to see Deadpool for the 3rd time.

And of course, now, I’m looking around the house, my still-messy house, and feeling guilty about the fact that I also did nothing.  I did organize some things for my various activities throughout the week, but over all, I spent the week with my family taking a break from the world.  

When suggesting that we go out somewhere, anywhere, Maya asked me why. She said that they are happy to stay at home, to work on fun projects (like her drawing), or to watch hours of tv with me.  Why should we go somewhere when we are perfectly happy to be at home together?

Why, indeed.  Sometimes we really do need time to just do nothing.  And I need to let myself enjoy that because the time is fleeting - this week went by so fast.  I need to remember that my family WANTS to be together at home...I am so blessed to have that.

Why do I do this to myself?

That is the question that Maya asked me the other night as I was stressing out about a spreadsheet I had to submit to Girl Scouts about troops in my area and where they wanted to have their cookie booths.  See, I'm the Service Unit Manager (or SUM for short) for the area and I oversee about 40 troops leaders.  This is a volunteer position, in addition to being an actual Troop Leader for Nadia's troop.  Well, as SUM, I help Girl Scouts of Greater Los Angeles (GSGLA) oversee things like troop registrations, Fall nuts and candy sales, and Spring cookies.  Usually it's not too much work, but this past week has been the exception.  Cookie sales are starting up, and as the largest fundraiser for most troops, it's very important for it to run smoothly.

It did NOT run smoothly this past week.

Selling Girl Scout cookies in front of grocery stores is usually the fastest and best way to generate sales.  So those locations, and the best days and times, are coveted by troops, especially if there are large fundraising goals by the troop.  For instance, if a troop wants to take a trip with the money they raise.  Nadia's troop is thinking about going to a dude ranch for a weekend.  One that was recommended to us costs about $200 for the weekend per girl.  That means, if we are to cover it with our sales, each girl in our troop would have to sell about 200 boxes of cookies to cover her trip.  Actually a little more than 200 boxes as we get to keep $0.95 per box of cookies sold.  It's easy to sell between 100 and 200 boxes of cookies at just one 3 hour booth.

Anyway, so back to booth locations.  The ones at the big stores like Ralphs are coveted, especially on the weekends and during daylight hours.  So there is an online program that has all the locations that opens up at a certain time for booth sign up.  And this past week, that was on Thursday night at 6:30pm.  It's a mad rush to grab up those good spots!  The system can crash or lag due to hundreds of troop leaders trying to get online and grab up that Saturday 2pm-5pm booth spot at the large Ralphs grocery story on Ventura Blvd.  Those spots can be gone in a matter of seconds.

Well, guess what locations were not in the system at 6:30pm on Thursday night??

OH THE MADNESS!  OH THE PANIC (MAINLY ON MY PART)! OH THE HUMANITY!

I don't know how to share the fiasco that ensued without explaining why this was a big deal.  On the first night of booth sign ups, you are only allowed to sign up for booths in your immediate Service Unit area.  Service Units are divided up by zip code.  So, a troop in a zip code neighboring us cannot sign up for booths in our Service Unit on that first night.  For our Service Unit, this is a big deal because our grocery stores are really busy and are in a higher income neighborhood.  Neighboring Service Units want to come to our grocery stores to booth,  The fact that they weren't in the system for the only night that they are reserved for us was a huge deal.

Yes, Girl Scout Cookies Season is SERIOUS BUSINESS, GUYS.

As SUM, I knew this wasn't fair to the troops in my area.  So I did what I felt was necessary - had to do a private booth sign up session before the next time the booth scheduler program would be open.  All the prime locations were going to be in the system on Saturday night, but it would also be open for any troop to sign up for slots.  So, at 8pm on Friday night, I had a private booth sign up session via email.

My email BLEW UP at 8pm!  It was first email, first served, and I had 40 troops emailing me exactly at 8pm.  I had to go in the order it was received, down to the seconds.  Oh but then came the joy of scheduling all the choices that came in.  I had 4 charts with locations and dates and times, and two spreadsheets with all of the choices.  I had to do all those by hand because it was just easier to have it all spread out on the dining table.  Then had to transcribe it all into the final spreadsheet.  It was 1am when I finally finished that and sent it to GSGLA.  I think I'm still recovering from that evening.

But the WHOLE point of this post came from Maya.  Everyone in the family knew of the stress I was going through over this mess.  She came out of her room around 11pm and sat down at the table with me.  Just to keep me company.  After listening to my endless sighs, she asked me, "Why do you do this?"

At various points throughout this fiasco, I had asked myself this too.  But it's always the same answer: because I believe in the cause.  In this case, it is Girl Scouts.  And the biggest problem with Girl Scouts is that there aren't enough leaders.  We have girls on waiting lists for new troops to start or for existing ones to have openings.  We have a lack of leaders.  So, I volunteer because I want to help leaders who have stepped up.  Because leading a troop is not easy.  It isn't all crafts and cookies all the time!

If not me, who?

My last 4 days of winter vacation was stressful and a blur of dates, times, and troop numbers.  But in the end, if I helped a troop earn money to go on a trip or do a service project, then I feel that it is worth it.

The Arts

Two weekends ago, Nadia had her theater show performances.  She is in the Academy of Children's Theater and they do three shows a year - Spring, Summer, and Fall.  Well, this Spring they did Annie.  Nadia got the part of Grace Farrell, Oliver Warbucks' personal secretary.  It was another great show - she's been in 7 shows with them over the last 3 years.  I love the whole process but I have to say I'm always glad when it's over too.  She loves it but it takes up a lot of time, especially at the end.  The last week is always Tech Week - rehearsals every day, Monday-Thursday from 4-8pm at the theater.  Shows were Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday matinee.  I usually volunteer my time, doing things like box office sales, concession stand, etc.  Well, this time I did concession stand on Friday night, box office on Saturday, and I worked backstage on Sunday.  Sunday also happened to be Mother's Day.  While not exactly my ideal Mother's Day, it was still fun being backstage with my daughter and the other kids.  I got to see a side of her that I haven't seen in a while - the working actress, making sure costume changes were ready to go, other actors were ready in for their cues, and doing the little backstage rituals with a couple of other actors.  There was one, she did a little pinky swear type thing with one of the boys in the cast before every scene...it was cute.  But also, surprising in that it was something a "big kid" would do.  Well, not exactly...I don't know how to explain it.  It was just something like a good luck ritual?  Nothing elaborate - but when I think of my 11-year-old doing something like that...I find it surprising.  I guess it's just another sign of her growing up and maturing.

I don't know how to explain this!  She's the baby of the family.  Lately, she's been making me do a double take when I look at her.  The elegance with which she walks...she's a dancer and has a dancer's body.  Graceful, muscular.  She's growing up - she's taller, she's a bit more self conscious, not a little girl.  She had to wear elegant clothing for this part, and heels.  And boy how she wore them!  A couple of times during the week, she wore them to rehearsal with a skirt and geez...her long legs with definition from all the hours spent at the ballet studio.  Sheesh.

I keep wondering how I got to be a mother to a 15-year-old and an 11-year-old.  Where did the time go?

Turning Points

Yesterday was a turning point for me in a couple of different ways.

First, my relationship with my daughter, M, changed for the better.  We had a major falling out on Sunday night about a certain class she was taking and Monday morning, we were still at odds.  So much so, that she barely said goodbye to me and that rocked me to my core.  I took the day off from work to wrap my brain around what had happened.  And I cleaned her room while she was at school.  You see, she's 15 years old, in 9th grade, and a typical teenager in that her room was a disaster.  While that wasn't what we fought over, it was a constant sticking point for me.  So, after breakfast and moping around the house, I got down to business.  I didn't do everything I wanted, but I made a huge dent in her room.  Part of the reason for me cleaning her room is because I feel like the clutter in causing clutter in her brain.  I know the feeling.  I am not the best housekeeper, but when I do clean up, I feel so much more at peace.  So, I did this to help her.

I tried to meet with her school counselor to talk to her about what was going on at school and then ran into her tennis coach.  This woman is amazing.  What every teacher should be - tries to teach to the whole child.  It was meant to be for me to run into her after trying to meet up with M's counselor.  She could see that things were not great and took a few minutes to talk to me.  And put me at ease about everything.  Gave me some helpful insight, tips on how to fix the situation, and helped me relax.  Most importantly, helped M relax.  I picked up M after my meetings and we went to Coffee Bean to sit and talk.  She was not in the mood, but she opened up after some prodding.  It was like opening up a dam.  We were there for almost 2 hours.  We got through some tough issues between us.  I feel like I'm always yelling at her.  She feels like all I ever do is criticize.  I feel like she doesn't hear me.  She feels like I don't care about anything except for school.  I feel like she is slipping away.  She feels like I don't understand what it is like to be a high schooler.

Typical mother-teenage daughter stuff.

But I know we made a breakthrough when I got home today and M was home before me - and put away the trash cans without me asking her.

Yup, she heard me yesterday.  I'm enjoying this renewed closeness...while it lasts!

The second turning point for me yesterday?  Starting this blog.

I've had blogs in the past.  I kept a pretty steady one when our family lived in South Korea and about a year after we came back.  http://priyabradfield.livejournal.com A lot of it is private now...it was a tumultuous time in my life.

I've had other blogs that I've tried to start up since that one.  Didn't keep them going.  Maybe I just didn't have the need before.  Maybe it's just right, now.  We'll see.  :)