It's been a few months now...

I think that today is the perfect day to update everyone on our journey.  Today is National Coming Out Day!  And it's been just a few months since we, as a family, came out to the world that Damian is a transgender male.

http://youknownothingmommy.blogspot.com/2016/07/living-authentically.html

Since then, I have been showered with support from friends and family.  This means the world to me.  Of course, our immediate family has been so wonderful.  My parents, Chris' parents, our siblings have all been supportive and switched gender pronouns and to the new name.  Over the summer when I was in New York City, my cousin (who is more like a brother) and his wife and I had some amazing long talks about everything, including the transition.  And recently, I got Facebook messages from my aunt and a phone call from an uncle who said, in no uncertain terms, that we have all their love and support and that they were proud of how we were handling the transition.  Such support is amazing to hear because it helps me continue on.  But what is even more amazing to me is that such support is in spite of the fact that some of my friends and family don't understand what "transgender" means.

And that's ok with me.

I would rather get questions about it.  I would rather someone say that they don't understand what this means and to ask me for an explanation.  I would rather someone say "I don't know what this means" than to sit quietly and slip away from our world because they were afraid or uncomfortable to ask me.  Damian is probably not ready to be the source of all the information, but in the last couple of months, he has grown so much and further understands what it means to be transgender.  I definitely don't have all the answers, but for now, I'm willing to take the brunt of the uncomfortable questions to give Damian the space to grow in self-confidence.

My uncle said to me that he didn't know yet what questions to ask.  This made me laugh and tear up at the very same time because that was the EXACT same response I had when Damian came out to Chris and me.

It's been quite the year for us.  It seems like to me that this transition has consumed our daily lives.  And it should for now.  But there isn't a day that goes by when I have to remember that I now have a son and a daughter instead of two daughters.  I can no longer shout "GIRLS!" when I need them both to come out of their rooms.  Instead, I have started to yell "KIDS!"  Just recently, a former teacher of Damian's asked me how my girls are doing.  I took a few moments to tell them what happened...and that now I have a son.  This former teacher said "Congratulations on your new son!".  I think that is exactly the right response I needed to hear.  It felt so positive.

One thing that has come out of our experiences are some new partnerships.  We have found a great support system, one that has a component for parents AND for the transgender kids.  Chris and I started going to this group back in February and I remember vividly that first meeting - I cried the ENTIRE time.  And last month? I was the one helping a new parent who was also crying almost the entire time.

I've come a long way, baby!

This partnership has been a blessing.  Damain looks forward to those meetings too - he is coming out of his shell.  He has always been my shy kid.  Well, now he is training to lead a GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) club at school, wants to learn how to advocate for transgender youth, and maybe even go into gender studies as a major.  We are looking forward to a conference at the end of the month at USC all about LGBTQ issues.  Damian is learning to advocate for himself at school through the new GSA club. He is navigating the name change through school.

And for now I'm dealing with the constant mindfulness that I have of my new son and the many changes this has brought to our lives.

It takes a village...sniff, sniff

So, everyone has been sick in the house for the past 2-3 weeks except me.  I wasn't so worried because usually I don't catch whatever is going around.  I don't have the time to be sick (really, who does?) but it seems to be by sheer will that I fight the sicknesses off.

Until today.

Woke up this morning with a sore throat.  Ok, I've done that before without anything developing.  So, I gargled a bit, had a protein smoothie with fruit, had a banana during my break at school (which I normally don't do but there were leftover bananas from Breakfast in the Classroom).  Sipped on water all day long.  But I steadily got worse.  When I left work, my cold was full-blown.  Runny nose, stuffy head, headache, body aches (maybe even a slight fever?).

I came straight home and collapsed on the bed and posted a woe-is-me status on Facebook.  And within 30 minutes, 13 people had given me some kind of sympathy.  A couple had offered to bring me stuff if I needed something and my neighbor said she was going to drop off some cold medicine when she gets home from her work (this is in response to my post in which I said that we ran out of cold medicine because of Chris, Damian, and Nadia already having been sick before me).

As I was laying in bed typing this, I was thinking about how Damian is at a tennis match and won't know when he's done and Nadia has to get to her ballet class by 6pm (yay for my inlaws who are taking her to ballet!) and Chris is teaching over the hill so will be home late and I just want to sleep.  We know how much havoc a sick mom can cause on a household. And my village of moms out there totally get me.  

All this cheered me up.  After laying on the bed for a bit longer, I decided that what I needed was tea and honey.  I think I ended up putting a bit too much honey in my tea, but it was still good.  What was NOT good was sneezing 3 times in a row with the cup of hot tea in my hand, but at least I didn't burn myself!

I needed to use my Wonder Woman mug for my tea and honey.  I needed the strength. And the tall mug so I don't spill on myself every time I sneeze.

Ok, now I'm rambling a bit.  Anyway, the point of this quick blog post is that my village came through for me.  Not because of what people offered to do or did for me, but because when I posted that woe-is-me status, I got the sympathy that I needed to make me feel just a little bit better.  

Thank you.

Faith in Activism (or in other words, Politics on the Internet)

It's political season and the Internet debates are getting ramped up.  I've been known to get into threads with people and start discussing/debating about things like abortion, affordable healthcare, common-sense gun regulations (or the lack thereof).  At some point in the conversation though, these days pretty early in the conversation, I get tired.  And that's when I'll throw out, "show me proof of your side".  If the other person doesn't do that, then I know it's pointless because they're not willing to back up why they believe in something with facts or they can't.  I especially get frustrated when they don't bother to read what I've brought to the discussion.  This is illustrated in a number of ways:

1. Any sources I share will be immediately slammed as being biased (and if I've come prepared with research, I try very hard to use unbiased sources).

2. The other person won't bother to read it simply just because of the URL it comes from.

3. The other person is unwilling to do any reading up on the issue that may disagree with their pre-conceived notions.  I feel that if you're truly openminded about something, you'll read up on all side of the subject.  It's good to know the opposition.  In the past, when presented with sources, I have taken the time to read them.  You take the time to find them for me, I will take the time to read them.  And yes, my thoughts on certain subjects have changed based on what I've read.

4. The other person doesn't disengage their emotions from the debate.  That's usually when the insults come out.

It's got me thinking, how do activists (on either side of any debate) continue on in the face of unwavering opinions and just plain stubbornness and unwillingness to listen and/or have reasonable debate?? Especially when you've gotten to the point that you're doing this as a job - working for a policy house or an organization that fights for a particular issue. Change is ever so slow and sometimes you're taking steps backwards in the hopes that a compromise will clear the way for more progress later.

My thought is that they have faith. Faith that what they are working for is the right thing to do.  Faith that their goal is possible.  Faith in the future that they envision for their children is not that far off.  Faith that their message is being heard and will make it to the people who can make the change, whether it is the change in one person's mind, change in societal norms, or change in policy.

Sometimes faith is all you have to keep you going in a tough fight.  But without it, what is to keep people fighting on for their beliefs?  Some of the most important changes in the world came about because someone had faith in the ability of the human race to change.

Tuning out the NOISE

Ever feel like you can’t get one thing done before you start something else?  Like a project or a task at home?  I recently had this experience:

I went to the kitchen to get myself a cup of coffee.  But my favorite mug still had the dregs from the cup of coffee I had earlier that morning, so I went to the sink to rinse it out.  But there were some dishes in there left from breakfast, so I decided to get them done since I was there anyway.  As I was doing those dishes, the dish soap dispenser ran out of dish soap, so I had to refill it.  As I was getting the jug of dish soap out to refill the dispenser, I saw that we were out of sponges and ziplock baggies (since I keep those in the same cabinet as the dish soap).  So I looked for a notepad to start a list for shopping.  When I found the notepad, I saw my to-do list from the previous day.  I added “start an Amazon order for kitchen supplies” to the to-do list.  Suddenly I remembered that I had gotten an email from Amazon the day before about my monthly subscription order that needed to be reviewed.  I decided to pull up that tab on my computer so that I wouldn’t forget to do it the next time I sat down at the computer.  When I pulled up the subscription order up, I saw that coffee beans were the first thing on the list.

And that’s when I realized that 20 minutes had passed since I had walked into the kitchen to get that elusive cup of coffee.  The noise in my brain led me off the path.

This happens to me all the time online.  I try to focus on my email, but there are links to follow, to read through, which usually contains even more links to click through.  Link after link, like a wild goose chase….and suddenly it’s 40 minutes later and I’ve only gotten rid of 1-2 emails!  

This happens to me when I’m writing too. I start to write a blog post and I realize that I need to look up something or do a bit of research.  Or I want to find out if anyone else has written about the topic that I’m writing about.  Google searching is the worst - so many links to follow!!

Don’t even get me started on the time I sink into Facebook or Instagram or Twitter!

I mentioned this to my husband, Chris, the other day.  How I want to write more, want to start freelancing, and just need to do it.  Chris suggested that we start turning off the internet for an hour each evening to work on our projects without the lure of the Internet.  He has projects he wants to tackle too.  Our kids may have issues with it, or maybe they’ll take that time to work on their own projects.  I think we’ll try this after I get back from my trip.

Speaking of my trip, he also suggested that I take the time on my 5 hour flight to NYC to just write since I wasn’t springing for the Wifi on the plane.  And guess what?  It worked.  This was one of the posts I wrote on the plane without the Internet noise to distract me.  And I’ve gotten about 3 other posts started and almost finished.  Why almost?  Because my mind started to spit out all these topics I wanted to write about!  All these topics that have been bubbling inside started to spill out and I felt like I had to write what was coming out otherwise I’d forget those ideas.  Still noise, but at least it all has to do with writing.

Sometimes, you really have to consciously turn down the external noise so you can hear your internal voice speak. 

Living Authentically

We go through life being told that we should live authentically.  We should listen to our hearts and follow it's advice.  Live our lives out loud and not conform to how society says we should live.

How many of us actually learn how to do this?  I'm 44 years old and I'm not sure I'm doing it right or at all.  I have convictions, beliefs, ideals, and I adhere to those bigger ideals.  But on a day-to-day basis, I feel as though I'm playing catch up.

But I know at least one person who is living authentically.  My child.  I'm not talking about Nadia, for once.  I'm talking about my other child, Damian.

I am a mother to a transgender person.  Maya is now Damian.

It has been quite a trip for the past 6 months since HE came out to us.  I have struggled with the thought of now having a son.  That is a topic for another post though.  For 16 years, I was the mother of two girls who were as different as can be.  Now I come to find out one of those girls doesn't feel right presenting as a girl.  Doesn't want to hide who he really is anymore.

The amount of courage that takes is tremendous.  I am in awe of the strength of character this takes.  I am happy to know that I had something to do with the building of that strength.  I am thrilled to realize that we created a bond that allowed Damian to trust us with his true self even if that true self wasn't manifested on the outside physical being.

I recently saw this:

It is so true.  I had no idea about my own child. But the flip side of this is also true: All parents should be aware that when they express support for LGBTQ issues, may be supporting their own child.  I'd like to think that whenever I posted something in support of LGBTQ rights or condemned violence or oppression of the LGBTQ community, I was showing my child that our family is a safe place to be who you truly are.  A place to truly live authentically.

I am a proud parent to a transgender individual.  

We all have choices in our lives regarding the person we grow into.  I'm so very proud of the person you are choosing to become and I love you always, Damian.

I am not alone in my mommy fears

I recently posted a very whiny post on Facebook.  Looking back at it, I complained about going a little crazy with the thought of sending my youngest across the country to a summer intensive for ballet.  This is my 12 year old, I'm talking about!  The one who leaves her phone on the kitchen counter and then freaks out when she can't find it (because she can't seem to retrace her steps to save her life).

Granted, she's never done the whole looking-for-her-phone-while-talking-on-it thing that I've maybe or maybe not done.  I'll never admit to it.

Anyway, I posted about how scared I was about sending my daughter on a plane by herself to NYC.  And I posted about it again.  And then counting down the days.  And finally one last post about it.  Then I got the response: RELAX.  That I worry too much.

Perhaps I do.  I see lots of parents sending their kids off to summer camp for weeks, off to visit family without them, off to travel by themselves.  But...this is the first time for me with Nadia, the first time this far away (she's going to NYC and Connecticut), and the first time for this long (3 1/2 weeks).

I've talked with friends when the kids were much younger about what would you do if they were given chances to study abroad, get picked to play/compete/dance with a big name in the event their talent was discovered at a young age.  Would you encourage your child to take the leap, possibly giving up their childhood, freedom, making them leave home early to pursue their chosen field?  This chance that Nadia has been given by Bolshoi was a very very small example of that.  Extremely small tip of the iceberg for us.  But we've already been asked if we'd be willing to let her to go Moscow to study if the chance was given.  We've been told that we should seriously consider sending her to high school in NYC if dance is really her passion.  We're not close to making those decisions yet, but those discussions have come up.  And it's scary to think about the ramifications of a decision like that.  How do you weigh growing up surrounded by family against a rare chance to fulfill a dream at a tender age?  Thankfully, that discussion is left for another day (and another blog post).

So, getting back to my Facebook posts and the point of this post.  Yes, I know I should relax.  Yes, I know I shouldn't worry so much.  And yet, I am a mother and that is what I do.  And I know I'm not alone.  So many other mommy friends chimed in to say that they understood.

"worry is natural.  Don't feel guilty about it."

"Even though it's going to turn out great...it's still BRUTAL AND GUT-WRENCHING!!"

"It's ok to feel like this.  Sending you lots of love and hugs!"

I didn't stop worrying but I didn't feel alone anymore.  And that's pretty huge.  I'm not the only one feeling this way - wanting to send my little birdie off into the world to pursue her dream but also wanting to keep her at home, with us, sleeping in during summer vacation, keeping her a kid for just one more year.

Thanks, mommy-friends, for easing the struggle a little bit.  It helps to know that I'm not alone in my uncertainty, my fear, my anxiety.

<3

#BolshoiSummerIntensive #mommyanxiety #raisingdaughters

Adventures in drinking water

One of the things I wanted to work on for the first quarter of the new year was to drink more water.  While I don't do New Year's Resolutions, I do like to pick a habit to work on.  It doesn't always happen though.  I'm not the best at setting myself up for success.

But still, I try.   On February 1st, I posted my goal which was to drink 32 ounces of water a day.  That's just two regular plastic water bottles worth (16.9 ounces each).  That's can't be that hard, right?  I know I could polish off a water bottle during a meeting, so I thought, one bottle during the morning at work, and one during the afternoon driving the kids around.  And I got so much encouragement from friends on Facebook and in real life.  I was buoyed by the enthusiasm.  Some even said they would do it with me!  And lots of suggestions on how to make it work.

For instance, one suggestion is to have a water bottle with me at all times.  Whether it is refillable or not, I should have water with me all the time.  I was doing that at the beginning of my endeavor.  The first couple of days, I was doing great!  Then one day I left my water bottle at work.  That's ok, I thought, I will try again the next day.  The next day, I left it in the car - and it was a hot day.  I even had a favorite water bottle...which I left somewhere and lost.

Another suggestion was to drink flavored water if I don't like plain.  My issue with that was when I left it in that hot car.  Ew.  Plain is ok warm, flavored is not.  Besides, plain water is ok, as long as it's cold.

Then someone suggested that I use an app to track my water consumption.  I got 3 different app suggestions.  So now, I have 4 different apps that roughly do the same thing that I don't use.

Well, that's it!  I'm going to try it again!  I just opened up one of my apps (which I don't like now because it doesn't have a way to post to Facebook - WTH?).  I just drank 8 ounces from a water bottle. If at first you don't succeed, write a blog post about it, and try, try again!