Tuning out the NOISE

Ever feel like you can’t get one thing done before you start something else?  Like a project or a task at home?  I recently had this experience:

I went to the kitchen to get myself a cup of coffee.  But my favorite mug still had the dregs from the cup of coffee I had earlier that morning, so I went to the sink to rinse it out.  But there were some dishes in there left from breakfast, so I decided to get them done since I was there anyway.  As I was doing those dishes, the dish soap dispenser ran out of dish soap, so I had to refill it.  As I was getting the jug of dish soap out to refill the dispenser, I saw that we were out of sponges and ziplock baggies (since I keep those in the same cabinet as the dish soap).  So I looked for a notepad to start a list for shopping.  When I found the notepad, I saw my to-do list from the previous day.  I added “start an Amazon order for kitchen supplies” to the to-do list.  Suddenly I remembered that I had gotten an email from Amazon the day before about my monthly subscription order that needed to be reviewed.  I decided to pull up that tab on my computer so that I wouldn’t forget to do it the next time I sat down at the computer.  When I pulled up the subscription order up, I saw that coffee beans were the first thing on the list.

And that’s when I realized that 20 minutes had passed since I had walked into the kitchen to get that elusive cup of coffee.  The noise in my brain led me off the path.

This happens to me all the time online.  I try to focus on my email, but there are links to follow, to read through, which usually contains even more links to click through.  Link after link, like a wild goose chase….and suddenly it’s 40 minutes later and I’ve only gotten rid of 1-2 emails!  

This happens to me when I’m writing too. I start to write a blog post and I realize that I need to look up something or do a bit of research.  Or I want to find out if anyone else has written about the topic that I’m writing about.  Google searching is the worst - so many links to follow!!

Don’t even get me started on the time I sink into Facebook or Instagram or Twitter!

I mentioned this to my husband, Chris, the other day.  How I want to write more, want to start freelancing, and just need to do it.  Chris suggested that we start turning off the internet for an hour each evening to work on our projects without the lure of the Internet.  He has projects he wants to tackle too.  Our kids may have issues with it, or maybe they’ll take that time to work on their own projects.  I think we’ll try this after I get back from my trip.

Speaking of my trip, he also suggested that I take the time on my 5 hour flight to NYC to just write since I wasn’t springing for the Wifi on the plane.  And guess what?  It worked.  This was one of the posts I wrote on the plane without the Internet noise to distract me.  And I’ve gotten about 3 other posts started and almost finished.  Why almost?  Because my mind started to spit out all these topics I wanted to write about!  All these topics that have been bubbling inside started to spill out and I felt like I had to write what was coming out otherwise I’d forget those ideas.  Still noise, but at least it all has to do with writing.

Sometimes, you really have to consciously turn down the external noise so you can hear your internal voice speak. 

Living Authentically

We go through life being told that we should live authentically.  We should listen to our hearts and follow it's advice.  Live our lives out loud and not conform to how society says we should live.

How many of us actually learn how to do this?  I'm 44 years old and I'm not sure I'm doing it right or at all.  I have convictions, beliefs, ideals, and I adhere to those bigger ideals.  But on a day-to-day basis, I feel as though I'm playing catch up.

But I know at least one person who is living authentically.  My child.  I'm not talking about Nadia, for once.  I'm talking about my other child, Damian.

I am a mother to a transgender person.  Maya is now Damian.

It has been quite a trip for the past 6 months since HE came out to us.  I have struggled with the thought of now having a son.  That is a topic for another post though.  For 16 years, I was the mother of two girls who were as different as can be.  Now I come to find out one of those girls doesn't feel right presenting as a girl.  Doesn't want to hide who he really is anymore.

The amount of courage that takes is tremendous.  I am in awe of the strength of character this takes.  I am happy to know that I had something to do with the building of that strength.  I am thrilled to realize that we created a bond that allowed Damian to trust us with his true self even if that true self wasn't manifested on the outside physical being.

I recently saw this:

It is so true.  I had no idea about my own child. But the flip side of this is also true: All parents should be aware that when they express support for LGBTQ issues, may be supporting their own child.  I'd like to think that whenever I posted something in support of LGBTQ rights or condemned violence or oppression of the LGBTQ community, I was showing my child that our family is a safe place to be who you truly are.  A place to truly live authentically.

I am a proud parent to a transgender individual.  

We all have choices in our lives regarding the person we grow into.  I'm so very proud of the person you are choosing to become and I love you always, Damian.

I am not alone in my mommy fears

I recently posted a very whiny post on Facebook.  Looking back at it, I complained about going a little crazy with the thought of sending my youngest across the country to a summer intensive for ballet.  This is my 12 year old, I'm talking about!  The one who leaves her phone on the kitchen counter and then freaks out when she can't find it (because she can't seem to retrace her steps to save her life).

Granted, she's never done the whole looking-for-her-phone-while-talking-on-it thing that I've maybe or maybe not done.  I'll never admit to it.

Anyway, I posted about how scared I was about sending my daughter on a plane by herself to NYC.  And I posted about it again.  And then counting down the days.  And finally one last post about it.  Then I got the response: RELAX.  That I worry too much.

Perhaps I do.  I see lots of parents sending their kids off to summer camp for weeks, off to visit family without them, off to travel by themselves.  But...this is the first time for me with Nadia, the first time this far away (she's going to NYC and Connecticut), and the first time for this long (3 1/2 weeks).

I've talked with friends when the kids were much younger about what would you do if they were given chances to study abroad, get picked to play/compete/dance with a big name in the event their talent was discovered at a young age.  Would you encourage your child to take the leap, possibly giving up their childhood, freedom, making them leave home early to pursue their chosen field?  This chance that Nadia has been given by Bolshoi was a very very small example of that.  Extremely small tip of the iceberg for us.  But we've already been asked if we'd be willing to let her to go Moscow to study if the chance was given.  We've been told that we should seriously consider sending her to high school in NYC if dance is really her passion.  We're not close to making those decisions yet, but those discussions have come up.  And it's scary to think about the ramifications of a decision like that.  How do you weigh growing up surrounded by family against a rare chance to fulfill a dream at a tender age?  Thankfully, that discussion is left for another day (and another blog post).

So, getting back to my Facebook posts and the point of this post.  Yes, I know I should relax.  Yes, I know I shouldn't worry so much.  And yet, I am a mother and that is what I do.  And I know I'm not alone.  So many other mommy friends chimed in to say that they understood.

"worry is natural.  Don't feel guilty about it."

"Even though it's going to turn out great...it's still BRUTAL AND GUT-WRENCHING!!"

"It's ok to feel like this.  Sending you lots of love and hugs!"

I didn't stop worrying but I didn't feel alone anymore.  And that's pretty huge.  I'm not the only one feeling this way - wanting to send my little birdie off into the world to pursue her dream but also wanting to keep her at home, with us, sleeping in during summer vacation, keeping her a kid for just one more year.

Thanks, mommy-friends, for easing the struggle a little bit.  It helps to know that I'm not alone in my uncertainty, my fear, my anxiety.

<3

#BolshoiSummerIntensive #mommyanxiety #raisingdaughters

Adventures in drinking water

One of the things I wanted to work on for the first quarter of the new year was to drink more water.  While I don't do New Year's Resolutions, I do like to pick a habit to work on.  It doesn't always happen though.  I'm not the best at setting myself up for success.

But still, I try.   On February 1st, I posted my goal which was to drink 32 ounces of water a day.  That's just two regular plastic water bottles worth (16.9 ounces each).  That's can't be that hard, right?  I know I could polish off a water bottle during a meeting, so I thought, one bottle during the morning at work, and one during the afternoon driving the kids around.  And I got so much encouragement from friends on Facebook and in real life.  I was buoyed by the enthusiasm.  Some even said they would do it with me!  And lots of suggestions on how to make it work.

For instance, one suggestion is to have a water bottle with me at all times.  Whether it is refillable or not, I should have water with me all the time.  I was doing that at the beginning of my endeavor.  The first couple of days, I was doing great!  Then one day I left my water bottle at work.  That's ok, I thought, I will try again the next day.  The next day, I left it in the car - and it was a hot day.  I even had a favorite water bottle...which I left somewhere and lost.

Another suggestion was to drink flavored water if I don't like plain.  My issue with that was when I left it in that hot car.  Ew.  Plain is ok warm, flavored is not.  Besides, plain water is ok, as long as it's cold.

Then someone suggested that I use an app to track my water consumption.  I got 3 different app suggestions.  So now, I have 4 different apps that roughly do the same thing that I don't use.

Well, that's it!  I'm going to try it again!  I just opened up one of my apps (which I don't like now because it doesn't have a way to post to Facebook - WTH?).  I just drank 8 ounces from a water bottle. If at first you don't succeed, write a blog post about it, and try, try again!

Too Much To Do....

I think I’m running my kids ragged.  

There never seems to be a break.  There is never time to just sleep in.  I had to tell Nadia to take a day off from school to sleep today.  Luckily she’s a great student and can afford the day off, but is one day off enough when she starts up at her break-neck speed the very next day?  I’ve done the same for Maya too, but it’s harder now that she’s in high school.  She’s not into as many activities though - her stress has come from school itself.

But it’s not me who is forcing all the activities onto Nadia.  I’m the one trying to get her to slow down, to drop activities (all of which she loves, by the way).  At one point in the past year, she had an activity on every day of the week.  This semester, she’s down to 5 days a week mainly because we are trying to cut back on some expenses.  

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So, I wrote the above part of this post on February 10, 2016.  I think the fact that I am just now finishing it speaks to the topic of this post!

Anyway, I’m prompted to finish this post now because this past week was our Spring Break.  And we did nothing.  And I really mean NOTHING.  We didn’t go anywhere, we didn’t plan anything, I didn’t try to wake the girls up in the morning.  Nadia still had ballet Tuesday through Saturday and Maya still had her night art class at LAVC (Los Angeles Valley College), but other than that...NOTHING.  We binge-watched tv shows, we went for walks, we watched movies, Maya drew (a lot, which was great for her - thanks to her teachers who gave her no homework over Spring Break).  

I tried to get them to go out to explore the city a bit, but they weren’t willing to leave the house if they didn’t have to.  Personally I got a little stir crazy, and I am usually the one clamoring to go out and have fun, but both of my girls were perfectly content to lounge around at home for a full week and not do a damn thing.  They didn’t even call friends to set up sleepovers which is usually what happens when we have a break from school.  Although Maya did go to the movies with a friend from school to see Deadpool for the 3rd time.

And of course, now, I’m looking around the house, my still-messy house, and feeling guilty about the fact that I also did nothing.  I did organize some things for my various activities throughout the week, but over all, I spent the week with my family taking a break from the world.  

When suggesting that we go out somewhere, anywhere, Maya asked me why. She said that they are happy to stay at home, to work on fun projects (like her drawing), or to watch hours of tv with me.  Why should we go somewhere when we are perfectly happy to be at home together?

Why, indeed.  Sometimes we really do need time to just do nothing.  And I need to let myself enjoy that because the time is fleeting - this week went by so fast.  I need to remember that my family WANTS to be together at home...I am so blessed to have that.

Unhappiness comes from believing that our life should be different than it currently is...

Ever notice that we crave lists?  To do lists, step-by-step instructions, shopping lists.  I know I need lists sometimes to make sense of my world.  I have so many balls juggling at once that I need to know by way of a list what ball NOT to drop.  What item can I not have go through the sieve that is sometimes my mind?

Most of the time, these lists are great.  They free up space in my brain or allow me to look at all the things I have to do and prioritize them so that I'm productive or catching my deadlines.  I get a great sense of accomplishment when I can cross off an item or two.  That's tangible progress!

Other times, my lists only go to show how far behind I am.  I try to cross off an item but then end up adding three more things to take its place.  My procrastination/low energy/Facebook habit has thwarted my productiveness! My list only goes to show how I'm not working faster or harder.  I'm not doing enough.

But...I am.  I'm doing exactly what I am capable of doing at this stage of my life.  I have to believe that.  I am who I am at this stage of my life.  And I have to be alright with that.  Because if I'm not alright with who I am now, how will I be alright with the person I will be in the future?

Unhappiness comes from believing that our life should be different than it currently is.  So, what's the inverse of that?  Happiness comes from believing that our life is how it should be at this moment in time.  That doesn't mean that it can't be different than what it is now.  Of course we have the power to change.  But the power to change doesn't invalidate who we are right now.  Our current state of being is who we need to be NOW to be the person we want to be in the FUTURE.  We just have to trust ourselves enough to evolve from the NOW to the FUTURE.

And by "we", I mean "me".

I'm a terrible housewife

This is my house right now.  It's a freaking mess.  And it does bother me, but I guess not enough that I feel the urgent need to do anything about it at the moment.  Instead, let me take a picture and share!  Kinda like the moms who take pictures of their crying/screaming kids and share those.  Oh, wait, I've done that too.

Friday, after work, I came home and met up with another Girl Scout leader who was picking up Girl Scout Cookies from me.  I walked in the door with her and this was the scene that greeted us.  I usually would instantly say "don't mind my house, it's such a mess" but I found myself not apologizing.  Later, Chris (my husband for those of you who don't know) was teasing me about walking in the front door and sighing really loudly even in the middle of talking to someone else.  My family frequently teases me about my sighing.  I do it unconsciously and loudly apparently.  When my girls were little, Chris would ask them "what does a doggy say?" and they would answer "Woof!".  "What does a kitty say?" "Meow!" "What does a mommy say?" They would sigh really loudly.

Ha, ha, very funny.  *sigh*

Anyway, I was a bit defensive because I responded "Well, maybe it's because I come home and see all the shit I have to do!".

And then I proceeded to get lunch and sit down at the equally messy table that houses my laptop to check email.  My laptop which, coincidentally, has 20 tabs open because I seem to have adult-onset ADD.  Again, messy.

What's funny (or ironic, you pick) is that I belong to Facebook groups about clearing up clutter and getting your finances in order and "fast" healthy recipes that I should be cooking for my family every night.  I guess I like seeing progress that other people are making...or I like torturing myself.  Probably both.

I'm getting to the point where I just don't care who sees my house in this state (although I'm definitely NOT sharing a picture of my kitchen!).  Maybe it's just that I've given up on having that picture-perfect house.  Maybe it's because I would rather come home after a long week and plop down on the couches with my family and watch our weekly run of TV shows we love instead of cleaning.  (In case you were wondering, currently those are The Flash, Arrow, Legends of Tomorrow, and Agent Carter.)

Or maybe it's so I have something kinda interesting to blog about!