Just gotta write...

It has been way too long since I've posted.  Time has a way of getting away from me.  I'll be honest - I'm on Facebook way too much! Just scrolling through other people's posts, posts from various groups I'm in, and gathering ideas that I love but never actually implement.  It's a lot like Pinterest too - there are so many beautiful crafts and ideas there that other people have done but I don't, mainly because I'm too detail-oriented (everything has to be perfect to start something!).  I struggle with the idea of mistakes in my work, whether it is actually work or something for myself.  I can't just dive into something.

I feel like I have ADD...definitely not ADHD though.  I'm not hyperactive.  lol

I haven't been officially diagnosed with ADD but I feel like my attention span is lacking when I try to do any kind of projects, whether it is something like crochet or preparing for a Girl Scout meeting.  For instance, I'll decide it's time to sit down and come up with the agenda for my next meeting.  Well, I have to find my binder from the last meeting with all my notes.  Maybe I brought it in from the car or maybe not.  I look for it...then find other papers/notes/supplies that belong in that binder or with my PTA binder instead.  I decide I need to put them away so that when I'm ready to tackle that task, it will be there.  But where is that binder? Oh, that's still in the car.  I go out to the car...and find it and other things that should be put away in that binder too.  It's just like a scavenger hunt.

Yes, part of it is that I'm not completely organized.  I am in my mind because I do know where everything is or at least I can remember when the last time I saw something was.  I know where to go looking for that paper I might need.  But my house, like my mind, is not an organized haven.  I'm working on it though...very slowly.

This happens to me when I'm online too.  I'll check my email and find something I need to take care of.  I go hunting for the info I need to respond to the email or to send out the email I need to send.  But then I find a link on that page to something that sounds very interesting - maybe that would be great to include in my original email!  So I check it out...and before long, 30 minutes have passed that I've done nothing actually productive other than to find 3 more things I need to read/email/post about.

This is why I try to make lists for myself.  I feel so much more organize and on track when I see a list of things I need to accomplish.  The act of crossing something off my list is a great joy to me.  Also, breaking a job down into steps is very helpful too.  I tend to keep a task on my mental list for a long time if it is something I believe to be a complicated task.  Then it just keeps growing in my mind.  When I finally can't wait any longer and have to tackle it, it takes less time that I thought it would...and then I beat myself up over the procrastination.

Anyway, this post was an exercise in "Just Doing It".  I actually tried to do a blog plan for this...I took about 10 minutes searching my computer for a template that I KNOW I downloaded sometime ago about planning blog posts.  I finally got frustrated enough and realized that I'm just going to write whatever is in my mind.  I just wanted to write something.

And now I'm done.

The Arts

Two weekends ago, Nadia had her theater show performances.  She is in the Academy of Children's Theater and they do three shows a year - Spring, Summer, and Fall.  Well, this Spring they did Annie.  Nadia got the part of Grace Farrell, Oliver Warbucks' personal secretary.  It was another great show - she's been in 7 shows with them over the last 3 years.  I love the whole process but I have to say I'm always glad when it's over too.  She loves it but it takes up a lot of time, especially at the end.  The last week is always Tech Week - rehearsals every day, Monday-Thursday from 4-8pm at the theater.  Shows were Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday matinee.  I usually volunteer my time, doing things like box office sales, concession stand, etc.  Well, this time I did concession stand on Friday night, box office on Saturday, and I worked backstage on Sunday.  Sunday also happened to be Mother's Day.  While not exactly my ideal Mother's Day, it was still fun being backstage with my daughter and the other kids.  I got to see a side of her that I haven't seen in a while - the working actress, making sure costume changes were ready to go, other actors were ready in for their cues, and doing the little backstage rituals with a couple of other actors.  There was one, she did a little pinky swear type thing with one of the boys in the cast before every scene...it was cute.  But also, surprising in that it was something a "big kid" would do.  Well, not exactly...I don't know how to explain it.  It was just something like a good luck ritual?  Nothing elaborate - but when I think of my 11-year-old doing something like that...I find it surprising.  I guess it's just another sign of her growing up and maturing.

I don't know how to explain this!  She's the baby of the family.  Lately, she's been making me do a double take when I look at her.  The elegance with which she walks...she's a dancer and has a dancer's body.  Graceful, muscular.  She's growing up - she's taller, she's a bit more self conscious, not a little girl.  She had to wear elegant clothing for this part, and heels.  And boy how she wore them!  A couple of times during the week, she wore them to rehearsal with a skirt and geez...her long legs with definition from all the hours spent at the ballet studio.  Sheesh.

I keep wondering how I got to be a mother to a 15-year-old and an 11-year-old.  Where did the time go?

Turning Points

Yesterday was a turning point for me in a couple of different ways.

First, my relationship with my daughter, M, changed for the better.  We had a major falling out on Sunday night about a certain class she was taking and Monday morning, we were still at odds.  So much so, that she barely said goodbye to me and that rocked me to my core.  I took the day off from work to wrap my brain around what had happened.  And I cleaned her room while she was at school.  You see, she's 15 years old, in 9th grade, and a typical teenager in that her room was a disaster.  While that wasn't what we fought over, it was a constant sticking point for me.  So, after breakfast and moping around the house, I got down to business.  I didn't do everything I wanted, but I made a huge dent in her room.  Part of the reason for me cleaning her room is because I feel like the clutter in causing clutter in her brain.  I know the feeling.  I am not the best housekeeper, but when I do clean up, I feel so much more at peace.  So, I did this to help her.

I tried to meet with her school counselor to talk to her about what was going on at school and then ran into her tennis coach.  This woman is amazing.  What every teacher should be - tries to teach to the whole child.  It was meant to be for me to run into her after trying to meet up with M's counselor.  She could see that things were not great and took a few minutes to talk to me.  And put me at ease about everything.  Gave me some helpful insight, tips on how to fix the situation, and helped me relax.  Most importantly, helped M relax.  I picked up M after my meetings and we went to Coffee Bean to sit and talk.  She was not in the mood, but she opened up after some prodding.  It was like opening up a dam.  We were there for almost 2 hours.  We got through some tough issues between us.  I feel like I'm always yelling at her.  She feels like all I ever do is criticize.  I feel like she doesn't hear me.  She feels like I don't care about anything except for school.  I feel like she is slipping away.  She feels like I don't understand what it is like to be a high schooler.

Typical mother-teenage daughter stuff.

But I know we made a breakthrough when I got home today and M was home before me - and put away the trash cans without me asking her.

Yup, she heard me yesterday.  I'm enjoying this renewed closeness...while it lasts!

The second turning point for me yesterday?  Starting this blog.

I've had blogs in the past.  I kept a pretty steady one when our family lived in South Korea and about a year after we came back.  http://priyabradfield.livejournal.com A lot of it is private now...it was a tumultuous time in my life.

I've had other blogs that I've tried to start up since that one.  Didn't keep them going.  Maybe I just didn't have the need before.  Maybe it's just right, now.  We'll see.  :)

Mommy is slightly lost.

Getting back to me is hard.  I've been "Mommy" for so long (15 years already!) that I sometimes forget what I was interested in before I had kids.  Hobbies I'm known for now - scrapbooking, volunteering, crochet - I picked up that stuff after the kids came along.  I read a lot more before, I think.  The perfect date night with my husband, Chris, was dinner, coffee, bookstore until midnight.  We miss Borders Bookstores.  Um, I worked a lot.  But then again, I had a full-time job outside of the home.  I played a lot of video games with my husband.  We still sometimes do that, but now we have to involve the girls.

I liked to write.  I got a journalism and international relations degree in college.  I have an opinion about the Oxford Comma.  (Yes, in case you were wondering.)  So, that is what I am returning to.  Writing.  Slowly.  Oh, so slowly.

This is a start.